Have the Courage to Exist in 2019
I am not a big fan of that whole New Year, New Me-shit. It always felt a little off-putting, like you could change your life completely from one day to the next and you did it based on a number on a calendar changing. However, I do also see the appeal of having earmarked days and tethering goals to dates to stick to them better. I just don't believe that we can change old, in-grown habits so rapidly or suddenly but routinely stick to something you might never have done before. It may sound a little cynical but I'm still a softie at heart, and I do believe that New Years resolutions can do you good.
You would need to do construct them cautiously and also be aware that you could literally start this thing on any other day in the year and it would be wouldn't change the resolve you'd need to accomplish your goals. I like even numbers and I like structure so I like the appeal of starting on the first day in the year but time is still simply a construct. I only remain sceptical because it always seems like people are going all-in, overestimating their capability to commit to the goals with aims too far out of reach. When they inevitably fail, everything just falls apart. There's no forgiveness for stumbling and screwing up and then it feels easier to give up entirely rather than continue with a tainted record.
I do it too. I'm no better. So it would be hypocritical of me to say that I won't do it this year in such absolute terms. I'll instead try to be gentler to myself. I'll try to allow forgiveness to be an in-built part of how I reach for goals this year. It definitely won't be easy but it will be easier when you are aware of how your brain works. I've become quite wrapped up in it this year, with both highs and lows. At times, it felt like I was being pulled under water, near suffocation, only to manage to swim up and get a delicious full breath of air but the joy was always temporary before I was being pulled under yet again.
I am trying to focus on the part of the experience where I can take away any teachable elements. I know myself better. I know my boundaries a little better, even if I doubt I'll ever be able to properly nail them down as they are movable and ever-changing. I still feel more prepared to be present and clock out a little less and wish for time to stand still. It's been a problem of mine for a while - wishing time away. Pausing time have for me sounded like the most cool superpower. I want to take steps to stop thinking like that, because unfortunately I don't think it's a real thing to be able to freeze time (as cool as it would be). It'd not a viable option, even if it was possible. I'll have to step out of the fantasy world.
I'm probably picking a shitty year to do away with that coping mechanism, as unhealthy as it is. Or perhaps it is the perfect year to look myself in the eyes and counteract when I know I'm doing something that will be damaging in the long run. I've come to a point where I recognise it quite easily but I'm either too lazy or too scared to stop it. I will finish my education this year. I have to wave goodbye to my university, my academic home where I have spent countless hours over the past six years. I have to write an 80 page thesis to finish it off. It will probably be tough as fuck. And once all the hardship is over, I'll be facing a new and scary challenge. But postponing it or wishing it away will only delay the inevitable. I cannot be scared of the future anymore, just because it is so uncertain.
In 2019, I only have one resolution, if you can even call it that. I want to have the courage to exist. I now wear the saying around my wrist but I need to learn how to wear it in my heart and in my actions as well.
It's a saying by a guy I've watched on the Internet for a few years now. It sounds rather creepy when you say it like that but at this point in my life, I don't really give a shit about admitting to seeking my entertainment and sometimes reassurance in people who upload videos on YouTube. I like a well-turned phrase and it is rather fitting for my situation at the moment. It was originally said in relation to existential crisis and having to go out and shape your own reality and determine what you wanted to do with your limited time on Earth. Time doesn't wait for anyone and it's something I feel keenly aware of and yet I often let it terrify me into cease moving instead. It's a stupid thing and I need to be better at calling it out.
I need to have the courage to do the things I want to, instead of overthinking stuff to the point that I feel frozen and trapped. So what if some shit is very difficult or I cannot make it as perfect as I want to? Surely - surely - it's better to do something than nothing. It seems so simple when you type it out but trust me it's a lot harder when you're dealing with it in the moment.
I want to be more present in situations. I want to actually exist and interact with the world rather than just floating along without being properly present. I have a lot of nice things in my life. I have a study I enjoy, colleagues I like, really awesome friends, a loving family, several sweet pets and I have the ability to bring worlds to life with just my words. I've been beating myself up quite a lot this year with my short-comings and I don't believe in ultimatums, so I won't definitely say that it won't happen again but I'll work with it. Change the harsh words inside of my head to something a little kinder.
I love my friends but when it comes to socialising, I often feel pre-exhausted and like it would be easier to just cancel stuff, even if I love the people I'm meeting up with. I actually came pretty close to cancelling on my friends for New Years and just staying at home in my bed or hanging out with the dogs and my parents. I didn't want to shower, get dressed and be around people for hours and talk. It's an instinctive reaction to a lot of social events that I'm not sure if I will ever be able to properly shake. I have gotten a lot better at fighting it though and I am proud of that. I did it this time. I showered, got dressed and got helped with transportation. And you know what? It was a bloody lovely evening and I had several laughing fits and smiled for literally half the time. The food was delicious, the conversation was interesting and the atmosphere was cosy. I hadn't seen my friends all month and it was an overdue catch-up. I could have missed out on that if I hadn't enacted my courage to exist and instead tried to just fade away and let the day pass without any note.
You would think that after at least a decade of this type of behaviour that I would learn that it is almost always better to go. Sometimes, you do need to turn down stuff, especially if you've been busy and need an alone day to function properly, but most of the time you should go. It's better to get there than staying at home and subconsciously wonder what is happening at the place you didn't go. It is also important, at least for me, to realise if I'm experiencing serious social fatigue, which needs recharging alone to be sorted, or if it is something more like laziness or shying away from something just because it requires effort.
I feel like I have been a bad horse owner this past month because I haven't spend that many hours with my beloved horse. Once I picked up dressage riding again after the exam period, I was treated to an experience I hadn't shared with Money under those circumstances before. On forest rides when I tell her to come to a halt, especially if she's particularly happy and giddy, she'll often lift one of her front legs and move it to beg for the permission to run for a free rein. I have never in the eleven years I have had her, seen her do it inside of the riding hall. But she has done it thrice now, once I stopped to remove my jacket and her warm-up cover. She felt like a filly again and the spring in her step was infectious. I had missed her so much and I don't think I realised just how much until I was back on top of her and feeling how easily she welcomed the bond between us, despite my negligence. My heart felt like it literally ached and my love for her deepened even more.
The catch? I had been a little reluctant to get back in the saddle, both metaphorically and literally, because it's cold in the stables and it's hard to ride when you've been away from it for a couple of weeks. I had been delaying it a few days further than I had needed. I depraved myself of the joy of existing with my horse because it required effort and it had a bit unpleasantry attached (namely the cold).
That's not to say that it'll always be a joy to ride or tackle her. It's tough some days but it still better to work through them. It's the same thing with our little puppy Robin. She's a very big fan of our garden and she loves running around in it and playing - sometimes for long extended periods of time. It's too cold for her to be out too long but generally it's a bit uncomfortable to be out with her. Still, yesterday, I did better with it than I usually did and I tried to focus on her enjoyment and the bonding between us. She's still nipping at my legs and hands at times but it's getting a little better. She can be a little menace at times, but she's also just a lovely and over-energised puppy who operates at 100% and then collapses into a deep sleep afterwards. No one could blame her for not having the courage to exist.
She's approaching life with every ounce of courage that she has in her little body and it's honestly a little inspiring. She's also born on World Mental Health Day, which I keep thinking is quite a funny coincidence. Maybe, her presence and existence will remind me to get up and push past stuff even when it's a little shitty or require a lot of effort. If it's working towards something positive, or have elements that I enjoy, then I should keep at it. That's the goal for this year. Have the courage to exist in life rather than just observe it in a stressed state and be overwhelmed into standing still.
The sand might be running out of the hourglass, ever so slowly, but I can't change that. I can, however, determine what I want to spend that time on. I get to decide that. I get to create and determine what is a meaningful existence for me. It doesn't need to be like anybody else's as long as it works for me. And if your mid-20s aren't about creating yourself, then what the hell are they about? I need to be less scared of it.
I won't be able to do it without failing at times. I'll stumble but now I need to start learning to pick myself up immediately, even if it has to be one small movement at a time, rather than accepting the stumble and lying on the ground in defeat for several long moments.
I'll wear the bracelet as a reminder and hope that Robin doesn't get too tempted by the dangling bits. For the longest time, the only type of bracelet that I could bear to wear was either a watch or my hair ties but this year I've gotten better at it. When Mum bought me a charity bracelet or when she brought home one with a poppy from England, I wore those for weeks on end. So I feel confident that the new one will stay on my wrist at least for a while.
Even if I take it off eventually, it's not about the jewellery. It's about the mentality. I'm a stubborn individual, so I'll have to use it dig out that courage and apply it to choosing to exist instead of wishing for time to stop.
You would need to do construct them cautiously and also be aware that you could literally start this thing on any other day in the year and it would be wouldn't change the resolve you'd need to accomplish your goals. I like even numbers and I like structure so I like the appeal of starting on the first day in the year but time is still simply a construct. I only remain sceptical because it always seems like people are going all-in, overestimating their capability to commit to the goals with aims too far out of reach. When they inevitably fail, everything just falls apart. There's no forgiveness for stumbling and screwing up and then it feels easier to give up entirely rather than continue with a tainted record.
I do it too. I'm no better. So it would be hypocritical of me to say that I won't do it this year in such absolute terms. I'll instead try to be gentler to myself. I'll try to allow forgiveness to be an in-built part of how I reach for goals this year. It definitely won't be easy but it will be easier when you are aware of how your brain works. I've become quite wrapped up in it this year, with both highs and lows. At times, it felt like I was being pulled under water, near suffocation, only to manage to swim up and get a delicious full breath of air but the joy was always temporary before I was being pulled under yet again.
I am trying to focus on the part of the experience where I can take away any teachable elements. I know myself better. I know my boundaries a little better, even if I doubt I'll ever be able to properly nail them down as they are movable and ever-changing. I still feel more prepared to be present and clock out a little less and wish for time to stand still. It's been a problem of mine for a while - wishing time away. Pausing time have for me sounded like the most cool superpower. I want to take steps to stop thinking like that, because unfortunately I don't think it's a real thing to be able to freeze time (as cool as it would be). It'd not a viable option, even if it was possible. I'll have to step out of the fantasy world.
I'm probably picking a shitty year to do away with that coping mechanism, as unhealthy as it is. Or perhaps it is the perfect year to look myself in the eyes and counteract when I know I'm doing something that will be damaging in the long run. I've come to a point where I recognise it quite easily but I'm either too lazy or too scared to stop it. I will finish my education this year. I have to wave goodbye to my university, my academic home where I have spent countless hours over the past six years. I have to write an 80 page thesis to finish it off. It will probably be tough as fuck. And once all the hardship is over, I'll be facing a new and scary challenge. But postponing it or wishing it away will only delay the inevitable. I cannot be scared of the future anymore, just because it is so uncertain.
In 2019, I only have one resolution, if you can even call it that. I want to have the courage to exist. I now wear the saying around my wrist but I need to learn how to wear it in my heart and in my actions as well.
It's a saying by a guy I've watched on the Internet for a few years now. It sounds rather creepy when you say it like that but at this point in my life, I don't really give a shit about admitting to seeking my entertainment and sometimes reassurance in people who upload videos on YouTube. I like a well-turned phrase and it is rather fitting for my situation at the moment. It was originally said in relation to existential crisis and having to go out and shape your own reality and determine what you wanted to do with your limited time on Earth. Time doesn't wait for anyone and it's something I feel keenly aware of and yet I often let it terrify me into cease moving instead. It's a stupid thing and I need to be better at calling it out.
I need to have the courage to do the things I want to, instead of overthinking stuff to the point that I feel frozen and trapped. So what if some shit is very difficult or I cannot make it as perfect as I want to? Surely - surely - it's better to do something than nothing. It seems so simple when you type it out but trust me it's a lot harder when you're dealing with it in the moment.
I want to be more present in situations. I want to actually exist and interact with the world rather than just floating along without being properly present. I have a lot of nice things in my life. I have a study I enjoy, colleagues I like, really awesome friends, a loving family, several sweet pets and I have the ability to bring worlds to life with just my words. I've been beating myself up quite a lot this year with my short-comings and I don't believe in ultimatums, so I won't definitely say that it won't happen again but I'll work with it. Change the harsh words inside of my head to something a little kinder.
I love my friends but when it comes to socialising, I often feel pre-exhausted and like it would be easier to just cancel stuff, even if I love the people I'm meeting up with. I actually came pretty close to cancelling on my friends for New Years and just staying at home in my bed or hanging out with the dogs and my parents. I didn't want to shower, get dressed and be around people for hours and talk. It's an instinctive reaction to a lot of social events that I'm not sure if I will ever be able to properly shake. I have gotten a lot better at fighting it though and I am proud of that. I did it this time. I showered, got dressed and got helped with transportation. And you know what? It was a bloody lovely evening and I had several laughing fits and smiled for literally half the time. The food was delicious, the conversation was interesting and the atmosphere was cosy. I hadn't seen my friends all month and it was an overdue catch-up. I could have missed out on that if I hadn't enacted my courage to exist and instead tried to just fade away and let the day pass without any note.
You would think that after at least a decade of this type of behaviour that I would learn that it is almost always better to go. Sometimes, you do need to turn down stuff, especially if you've been busy and need an alone day to function properly, but most of the time you should go. It's better to get there than staying at home and subconsciously wonder what is happening at the place you didn't go. It is also important, at least for me, to realise if I'm experiencing serious social fatigue, which needs recharging alone to be sorted, or if it is something more like laziness or shying away from something just because it requires effort.
I feel like I have been a bad horse owner this past month because I haven't spend that many hours with my beloved horse. Once I picked up dressage riding again after the exam period, I was treated to an experience I hadn't shared with Money under those circumstances before. On forest rides when I tell her to come to a halt, especially if she's particularly happy and giddy, she'll often lift one of her front legs and move it to beg for the permission to run for a free rein. I have never in the eleven years I have had her, seen her do it inside of the riding hall. But she has done it thrice now, once I stopped to remove my jacket and her warm-up cover. She felt like a filly again and the spring in her step was infectious. I had missed her so much and I don't think I realised just how much until I was back on top of her and feeling how easily she welcomed the bond between us, despite my negligence. My heart felt like it literally ached and my love for her deepened even more.
The catch? I had been a little reluctant to get back in the saddle, both metaphorically and literally, because it's cold in the stables and it's hard to ride when you've been away from it for a couple of weeks. I had been delaying it a few days further than I had needed. I depraved myself of the joy of existing with my horse because it required effort and it had a bit unpleasantry attached (namely the cold).
That's not to say that it'll always be a joy to ride or tackle her. It's tough some days but it still better to work through them. It's the same thing with our little puppy Robin. She's a very big fan of our garden and she loves running around in it and playing - sometimes for long extended periods of time. It's too cold for her to be out too long but generally it's a bit uncomfortable to be out with her. Still, yesterday, I did better with it than I usually did and I tried to focus on her enjoyment and the bonding between us. She's still nipping at my legs and hands at times but it's getting a little better. She can be a little menace at times, but she's also just a lovely and over-energised puppy who operates at 100% and then collapses into a deep sleep afterwards. No one could blame her for not having the courage to exist.
She's approaching life with every ounce of courage that she has in her little body and it's honestly a little inspiring. She's also born on World Mental Health Day, which I keep thinking is quite a funny coincidence. Maybe, her presence and existence will remind me to get up and push past stuff even when it's a little shitty or require a lot of effort. If it's working towards something positive, or have elements that I enjoy, then I should keep at it. That's the goal for this year. Have the courage to exist in life rather than just observe it in a stressed state and be overwhelmed into standing still.
The sand might be running out of the hourglass, ever so slowly, but I can't change that. I can, however, determine what I want to spend that time on. I get to decide that. I get to create and determine what is a meaningful existence for me. It doesn't need to be like anybody else's as long as it works for me. And if your mid-20s aren't about creating yourself, then what the hell are they about? I need to be less scared of it.
I won't be able to do it without failing at times. I'll stumble but now I need to start learning to pick myself up immediately, even if it has to be one small movement at a time, rather than accepting the stumble and lying on the ground in defeat for several long moments.
By a Girl who Loves to Write aka Me
I'll wear the bracelet as a reminder and hope that Robin doesn't get too tempted by the dangling bits. For the longest time, the only type of bracelet that I could bear to wear was either a watch or my hair ties but this year I've gotten better at it. When Mum bought me a charity bracelet or when she brought home one with a poppy from England, I wore those for weeks on end. So I feel confident that the new one will stay on my wrist at least for a while.
Even if I take it off eventually, it's not about the jewellery. It's about the mentality. I'm a stubborn individual, so I'll have to use it dig out that courage and apply it to choosing to exist instead of wishing for time to stop.
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