Penultimate Grade Met With Numbness
Back in December, I wrote how I had only kind of finished a hectic exam period, but it wasn't properly finished until I wrote one of the four exams in February. Well, I wrote the exam due 13th of February in the span of three days and then subsequently had to wait over a month to get the grade. Since every other exam in that semester had resulted in a 7, I excepted this one to pull the same. Only it didn't.
The reason I picked this exam to postpone out of my array of choices was purely based on the reason that I didn't believe in how I could gather data for my initial idea, which was focusing on how a site like AO3, a host domain for all types of fiction, was run entirely by volunteers and people still seemed miffed about the fundraiser to gather money. It was a good idea. I really liked it and it was something I was passionate about but I wasn't sure how to tackle it and as a result it froze me in my tracks.
The exam, focusing on creative work and creative industries, was very broad and up to ourselves to define the boundaries. It was liberating and it was slightly terrifying at the same time. I took my sweet-ass time getting in gear for the retake exam and I only really started when the fire was inches away from my face. I had toyed with the idea of switching up my idea for the project and on a whim I decided to do just that.
I changed tracks and chose to write about a trend I had noticed in the online content creators that I watch. Several had taken mental health breaks over the past year and started to shake up the boundaries of their content because they felt stagnant and trapped. I picked out two people from different genres if you will of YouTube, IISuperwomanII and jacksepticeye. It was easy to write about because I had seen the videos when they first dropped and I just went over the points I already wanted to make.
The course had a massive syllabus and I had read hardly any of the texts. For the exam we only really had to focus on five papers, and even the ones I chose - and I'm a little ashamed to admit this - I didn't do a full read. One I had read for a previous course, one I had read during the semester but the three others I just skimmed for the main points. I folded them to fit my concept and highlight the areas I already felt like I knew existed without the theoretical backing. It's fitting theory to your reality and it's not always advisable.
I felt numb and empty when I handed in the exam. I was just happy that it was over and I could finally put that autumn semester behind me that had gotten me a bit down. And then ensued the waiting and waiting and I felt it heavier this time than ever before, often popping in to check just in case the grades had been posted early. In fact, they ended up running four days over the usual four week time frame.
I got a 12.
I should be over the moon. It's a really cool grade to end a semester on and it's definitely pulling up for the slight slack of my other not-so-high grades. I did smile and feel happy for a beat when I first saw it. My heart was in my throat when I clicked through to the results page and waited to see a new line at the top of the overview. I was not expecting a 12. Not in the slightest. In fact I think I was so stunned that I just froze up for a bit.
I'm aware it sounds ungrateful. It sounds awful that I managed to pull in the highest score with something that was far-far from my best effort and I basically scraped through on that course in terms of attending the classes and reading the material. Just writing this makes me cringe. I hate how ungrateful I sound so much that I almost want to punch myself in the face. At the very least, I should take the easy win and just be happy. I honestly wish I could convince myself of that.
I had something to say with this exam but I still didn't feel like I was giving it my full potential. I feel like I cheated, even though I wrote every word myself, did the (limited) research and found the theories. At the same time, stuff like this happening makes me wonder if it's ever worth putting in 100%. If I can score the top mark, sometimes, and generally good marks, operating on only half of my potential why should I strive for more?
I know the answer to the question but I don't particularly like it. It's not about the final product, or an arbitrary thing like a mark that magically supposed to sum up and reflect everything you've learnt over months based on one project. Still, I should throw myself into stuff because operating on only 50% is hardly living. You can't stay at the top all of the time but it's better to have fluctuation. Take the highs with the lows. Allow yourself to work hard and then mellow out and have breathers in between.
For someone with terrible balance, I sure talk about it a lot. Maybe that's the exact reason why I'm so fascinated with it. It's an enigma for me. How do you balance everything? How do you juggle so many different objects without dropping any?
I don't have the answer for that yet. It's likely I'll never have the answer for that but it won't stop me from seeking it out or trying to explain it or master the difficult act of balancing, even if only for brief moments in time. I suppose I could always fall off the balance beam and then just climb up on it and try again. As long as I have a safety net underneath me, I should be fine.
I still feel supremely lost. I haven't talked about it that much on here because the rants feel pointless half of the time or I don't have the energy to poise my fingers above the keyboard.
Money has been through an extended sickness period, even being confined to her stall for nearly two weeks and just now when things were looking up, she's gotten a swollen hindleg. Not the leg that caused her to limp before. It makes me sad, frustrated and hopeless. I want to take the pain away from her and I am a little mad at the universe for throwing this new curve ball just as I managed to bat the old one away. Hopefully, she'll have a speedy recovery. I'll call the vet tomorrow and ask for their advice.
I'm working the two student jobs adequately. I've even gotten some new proof-read assignments at my terminologist job and I've actually quite been enjoying that. It probably makes me sound supremely nerdy but at times I quite enjoy it. It gets tiring after a while but it had been rewarding finding flaws and fixing them, so we'll be able to present a clean and hopefully flawless paper at the event in May. At my receptionist job, we suddenly lost one of the student worker who couldn't get her hours to work out anymore. She was a good colleague and I'm sad to see her go and a little anxious about how the new member might influence the team dynamic. You know, the usual worries and overthinking.
The thesis is still a torn in my side. It's looming, growing closer and closer but I seem to be immune to it's hovering, at least for the time being. I did discover that if I miss the first deadline the next hand-in date will be mid-September and I can say that it is very, very tempting. I'm keeping that Option B in the back of my head but I just need to get the wheels running. Perhaps, I'll try to do what I did with this Creative exam and mix things up. I like my initial idea but I am not certain how I can collect empiri on the topic and that's very important. It's holding me back from even starting the research part, so I might just toss the idea momentarily out of the window and try to look at the loose boundaries with renewed eyes.
I just wished that I didn't feel so numb all of the time lately. I dive into fictional universes, through watching and reading, and I try to forget about the clicking clock over my head, the sand in the hourglass running out. I hide because I'm anxious about the future. I'm worried about actually pouring effort into a project and still not having the end result validating my efforts. I'm just slightly terrified what it will be like when I can no longer say that I am a student. It's been such a huge part of my identity for years and years. I know I have to let it go eventually but that does not make the reality any less petrifying.
The reason I picked this exam to postpone out of my array of choices was purely based on the reason that I didn't believe in how I could gather data for my initial idea, which was focusing on how a site like AO3, a host domain for all types of fiction, was run entirely by volunteers and people still seemed miffed about the fundraiser to gather money. It was a good idea. I really liked it and it was something I was passionate about but I wasn't sure how to tackle it and as a result it froze me in my tracks.
The exam, focusing on creative work and creative industries, was very broad and up to ourselves to define the boundaries. It was liberating and it was slightly terrifying at the same time. I took my sweet-ass time getting in gear for the retake exam and I only really started when the fire was inches away from my face. I had toyed with the idea of switching up my idea for the project and on a whim I decided to do just that.
I changed tracks and chose to write about a trend I had noticed in the online content creators that I watch. Several had taken mental health breaks over the past year and started to shake up the boundaries of their content because they felt stagnant and trapped. I picked out two people from different genres if you will of YouTube, IISuperwomanII and jacksepticeye. It was easy to write about because I had seen the videos when they first dropped and I just went over the points I already wanted to make.
The course had a massive syllabus and I had read hardly any of the texts. For the exam we only really had to focus on five papers, and even the ones I chose - and I'm a little ashamed to admit this - I didn't do a full read. One I had read for a previous course, one I had read during the semester but the three others I just skimmed for the main points. I folded them to fit my concept and highlight the areas I already felt like I knew existed without the theoretical backing. It's fitting theory to your reality and it's not always advisable.
I felt numb and empty when I handed in the exam. I was just happy that it was over and I could finally put that autumn semester behind me that had gotten me a bit down. And then ensued the waiting and waiting and I felt it heavier this time than ever before, often popping in to check just in case the grades had been posted early. In fact, they ended up running four days over the usual four week time frame.
I got a 12.
I'm posting part of my front page, obviously without the A added in, because I liked how it turned out
I should be over the moon. It's a really cool grade to end a semester on and it's definitely pulling up for the slight slack of my other not-so-high grades. I did smile and feel happy for a beat when I first saw it. My heart was in my throat when I clicked through to the results page and waited to see a new line at the top of the overview. I was not expecting a 12. Not in the slightest. In fact I think I was so stunned that I just froze up for a bit.
I'm aware it sounds ungrateful. It sounds awful that I managed to pull in the highest score with something that was far-far from my best effort and I basically scraped through on that course in terms of attending the classes and reading the material. Just writing this makes me cringe. I hate how ungrateful I sound so much that I almost want to punch myself in the face. At the very least, I should take the easy win and just be happy. I honestly wish I could convince myself of that.
I had something to say with this exam but I still didn't feel like I was giving it my full potential. I feel like I cheated, even though I wrote every word myself, did the (limited) research and found the theories. At the same time, stuff like this happening makes me wonder if it's ever worth putting in 100%. If I can score the top mark, sometimes, and generally good marks, operating on only half of my potential why should I strive for more?
I know the answer to the question but I don't particularly like it. It's not about the final product, or an arbitrary thing like a mark that magically supposed to sum up and reflect everything you've learnt over months based on one project. Still, I should throw myself into stuff because operating on only 50% is hardly living. You can't stay at the top all of the time but it's better to have fluctuation. Take the highs with the lows. Allow yourself to work hard and then mellow out and have breathers in between.
For someone with terrible balance, I sure talk about it a lot. Maybe that's the exact reason why I'm so fascinated with it. It's an enigma for me. How do you balance everything? How do you juggle so many different objects without dropping any?
I don't have the answer for that yet. It's likely I'll never have the answer for that but it won't stop me from seeking it out or trying to explain it or master the difficult act of balancing, even if only for brief moments in time. I suppose I could always fall off the balance beam and then just climb up on it and try again. As long as I have a safety net underneath me, I should be fine.
I still feel supremely lost. I haven't talked about it that much on here because the rants feel pointless half of the time or I don't have the energy to poise my fingers above the keyboard.
Money has been through an extended sickness period, even being confined to her stall for nearly two weeks and just now when things were looking up, she's gotten a swollen hindleg. Not the leg that caused her to limp before. It makes me sad, frustrated and hopeless. I want to take the pain away from her and I am a little mad at the universe for throwing this new curve ball just as I managed to bat the old one away. Hopefully, she'll have a speedy recovery. I'll call the vet tomorrow and ask for their advice.
I'm working the two student jobs adequately. I've even gotten some new proof-read assignments at my terminologist job and I've actually quite been enjoying that. It probably makes me sound supremely nerdy but at times I quite enjoy it. It gets tiring after a while but it had been rewarding finding flaws and fixing them, so we'll be able to present a clean and hopefully flawless paper at the event in May. At my receptionist job, we suddenly lost one of the student worker who couldn't get her hours to work out anymore. She was a good colleague and I'm sad to see her go and a little anxious about how the new member might influence the team dynamic. You know, the usual worries and overthinking.
The thesis is still a torn in my side. It's looming, growing closer and closer but I seem to be immune to it's hovering, at least for the time being. I did discover that if I miss the first deadline the next hand-in date will be mid-September and I can say that it is very, very tempting. I'm keeping that Option B in the back of my head but I just need to get the wheels running. Perhaps, I'll try to do what I did with this Creative exam and mix things up. I like my initial idea but I am not certain how I can collect empiri on the topic and that's very important. It's holding me back from even starting the research part, so I might just toss the idea momentarily out of the window and try to look at the loose boundaries with renewed eyes.
I just wished that I didn't feel so numb all of the time lately. I dive into fictional universes, through watching and reading, and I try to forget about the clicking clock over my head, the sand in the hourglass running out. I hide because I'm anxious about the future. I'm worried about actually pouring effort into a project and still not having the end result validating my efforts. I'm just slightly terrified what it will be like when I can no longer say that I am a student. It's been such a huge part of my identity for years and years. I know I have to let it go eventually but that does not make the reality any less petrifying.
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