Lately All I Do Is Cry At Strangers
I know the title of this post seems really depressive and like I'm having massive problems. I sort of am but not in a "dangerous" way, or at least not yet, and I'm trying to do things to make sure I don't feel this way anymore.
Life has been tough lately and I've been thrown off balance. For a girl who've always had her feet firmly placed on the ground, this is absolutely terrifying. Moving away from my home country, family and friends even just for a brief time took its toll on me and maybe more so than I thought it did while I was away.
It started being a massive problem when I returned home for the Christmas break. I was reluctant to study for any of my upcoming exams and constantly felt like I was just passing through and not really living. I was just making it through one day to get to the next and I didn't really feel like doing anything other than cuddle up on my bed and delve into YouTube and Netflix.
I returned to Bath and finished the three of my five my exams, not exceptionally well and actually failed one though I might still be able to get the credits... That thing has been in progress since February and piles on top of everything else that worries me and stresses me out.
After coming back to Denmark for good, I had all these responsibilities awaiting me; my receptionist job, the new instructor job at my uni, two courses and a big final bachelor project for my study, as well as finding time for my horse, family and friends.
My freakouts, anxiety or not, increased rapidly and I was, and unfortunately still am, feeling like I tread water and every knock that comes my way threatens to make me loose my footing and go under.
Hence, I cry a lot. I've always been easy to tears for a sad book or movie or when I get really frustrated but I hate it, especially when it's the latter reason. It makes me feel like I lose control of my body and it disobeys me because I most certainly do not want to cry in front of people.
I've started seeing a therapist, like I briefly mentioned in my Shattered Glass Door post. I've seen her three times so far and my work insurance gives me five more times with her. I want to write a more in-depth post about that when I've finished with her. What it feels like at the moment is like I talk a lot about personal issues and I also cry a lot because I intensely dislike talking about stuff like that. But somewhere, deep in my bones, I know I have to do SOMETHING to get out of this horrible head space I've been in lately, even if it makes me uncomfortable.
So I try and I struggle. I was with her two days ago and we talked a bit about my stubbornness. It's been something that has made me do things I often never thought I'd make it through and yet again I'm channel it to make me stick with the therapy. I know I need it.
I also took contact to my study's tutor and asked her about possible extension of my bachelor as I am terrified by the prospect of having to start a master right away next autumn. I teared up massively in from of her too, though not going for a full sob, and again I was so annoyed with myself. I'm trying to make a compelling case and there my body goes just spilling the beans, making it more dramatic. She proposed a solution and if I get it approved I can push back my two courses and the date by when I finish my bachelor. I've got a recommendation from my therapist and got the application sent out yesterday. If all goes well, it will be decided upon on the 26th of April.
I also went to see my doctor because everything in my head seemed to affect my body in the form of cold/hot sweats, headaches and muscle cramps. I've had her since I was three years old but rarely go. I don't like going to the doctor and am the kind of person that just see if they can wait out a potential problem. If I'm feeling sick I'll just take a tablet, get some sleep and hope the problem handles itself (I know it's not very smart). I cried in front of her too, especially when we were on the subject of exhibiting stress symptoms (the word stress sends chills down my spine every time I hear it because my mother had it when I was younger and I saw what it did to the strongest woman I know). She also suggested I might have some form of anxiety issues based on the experiences I told her.
So it's a lot of me trying to work on issues when I don't really feel up to doing anything. I'm so scared I'm letting my writing partner on the BA project down as I've not written nearly as much as I feel like I should have. I just use up all my energy way too quickly and I can't concentrate for the life of me.
I feel like I can't breathe properly most of the time and even when I did breathing exercises with my therapist, I couldn't fully relax. It feels like I can't breathe deeply enough and it just becomes shallow breaths, enough to make me survive but not enough to live.
If I manage to get the two courses moved and the worries of picking a master postponed, then I feel like I'll be in better shape. My instructor job finishes in the first week of May and then I'll "only" have my reception job, BA project (with deadline the 19th of May) and my horse, family and friends. It seems much more doable.
I need the breathing space and then with a finished BA project some time in June, I'll be down to just averagely six hours of work a week and nothing on my schedule until February that following year. It seems like heaven to me right about now when I feel like I'm almost drowning all the time.
Life has been tough lately and I've been thrown off balance. For a girl who've always had her feet firmly placed on the ground, this is absolutely terrifying. Moving away from my home country, family and friends even just for a brief time took its toll on me and maybe more so than I thought it did while I was away.
It started being a massive problem when I returned home for the Christmas break. I was reluctant to study for any of my upcoming exams and constantly felt like I was just passing through and not really living. I was just making it through one day to get to the next and I didn't really feel like doing anything other than cuddle up on my bed and delve into YouTube and Netflix.
I returned to Bath and finished the three of my five my exams, not exceptionally well and actually failed one though I might still be able to get the credits... That thing has been in progress since February and piles on top of everything else that worries me and stresses me out.
After coming back to Denmark for good, I had all these responsibilities awaiting me; my receptionist job, the new instructor job at my uni, two courses and a big final bachelor project for my study, as well as finding time for my horse, family and friends.
My freakouts, anxiety or not, increased rapidly and I was, and unfortunately still am, feeling like I tread water and every knock that comes my way threatens to make me loose my footing and go under.
Hence, I cry a lot. I've always been easy to tears for a sad book or movie or when I get really frustrated but I hate it, especially when it's the latter reason. It makes me feel like I lose control of my body and it disobeys me because I most certainly do not want to cry in front of people.
Image found on Google
I've started seeing a therapist, like I briefly mentioned in my Shattered Glass Door post. I've seen her three times so far and my work insurance gives me five more times with her. I want to write a more in-depth post about that when I've finished with her. What it feels like at the moment is like I talk a lot about personal issues and I also cry a lot because I intensely dislike talking about stuff like that. But somewhere, deep in my bones, I know I have to do SOMETHING to get out of this horrible head space I've been in lately, even if it makes me uncomfortable.
So I try and I struggle. I was with her two days ago and we talked a bit about my stubbornness. It's been something that has made me do things I often never thought I'd make it through and yet again I'm channel it to make me stick with the therapy. I know I need it.
I also took contact to my study's tutor and asked her about possible extension of my bachelor as I am terrified by the prospect of having to start a master right away next autumn. I teared up massively in from of her too, though not going for a full sob, and again I was so annoyed with myself. I'm trying to make a compelling case and there my body goes just spilling the beans, making it more dramatic. She proposed a solution and if I get it approved I can push back my two courses and the date by when I finish my bachelor. I've got a recommendation from my therapist and got the application sent out yesterday. If all goes well, it will be decided upon on the 26th of April.
I also went to see my doctor because everything in my head seemed to affect my body in the form of cold/hot sweats, headaches and muscle cramps. I've had her since I was three years old but rarely go. I don't like going to the doctor and am the kind of person that just see if they can wait out a potential problem. If I'm feeling sick I'll just take a tablet, get some sleep and hope the problem handles itself (I know it's not very smart). I cried in front of her too, especially when we were on the subject of exhibiting stress symptoms (the word stress sends chills down my spine every time I hear it because my mother had it when I was younger and I saw what it did to the strongest woman I know). She also suggested I might have some form of anxiety issues based on the experiences I told her.
So it's a lot of me trying to work on issues when I don't really feel up to doing anything. I'm so scared I'm letting my writing partner on the BA project down as I've not written nearly as much as I feel like I should have. I just use up all my energy way too quickly and I can't concentrate for the life of me.
I feel like I can't breathe properly most of the time and even when I did breathing exercises with my therapist, I couldn't fully relax. It feels like I can't breathe deeply enough and it just becomes shallow breaths, enough to make me survive but not enough to live.
If I manage to get the two courses moved and the worries of picking a master postponed, then I feel like I'll be in better shape. My instructor job finishes in the first week of May and then I'll "only" have my reception job, BA project (with deadline the 19th of May) and my horse, family and friends. It seems much more doable.
I need the breathing space and then with a finished BA project some time in June, I'll be down to just averagely six hours of work a week and nothing on my schedule until February that following year. It seems like heaven to me right about now when I feel like I'm almost drowning all the time.
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