Stress & Anxiety: Going to Therapy

So, I always thought seeing a psychologist was a sign of weakness or something that couldn't do anything for me. I've always been very self-aware and thus believe I can truly diagnose myself.


However, I agreed to see a psychologist, or therapist as I'm more comfortable referring to it as, after the incident described here.

Through a work insurance, I got eight 45 minute sessions. I'm still not really sure I deserved to activate that but I wasn't going to argue as this would be extremely expensive otherwise. I met the woman, who seemed nice and I immediately started pouring my heart out and legitimately crying. This was back in March when everything felt too much. Working two jobs (though both few hours), taking two classes, taking care of my horse almost full time again, seeing friends, figuring out which graduate to take and most of all somehow managing to write an entire BA Project.

Found on Tumblr - don't know the context of this but don't care, it works

I was sceptic of first and especially disliked how at the end of the session my therapist asked what I had gotten out of the talk. I honest hated that pressure of having to pinpoint something, even if I knew why she did it, e.g. to make the sessions better for me next time and gain more general knowledge of what approaches work. I only cried the first couple of times as I managed to slowly pull things down from my overflowing shelves through the spring months.

Turns out, I was on the brink of developing stress by packing more on than I could handle. Also, I have definite tendencies of anxiety, even if my therapist hesitated to call it that since it wasn't her field of expertise. However, she did say it sounded like that and when stress was added to the mix, it made sense that it would seem worse than usual. However, both of those conclusions I had reached on my own beforehand.

I'm going to be completely honest and sat that knowing I had almost managed to give myself stress in an age of 21 terrified me. I saw what that did to my Mum, the strongest woman I know, and I was scared I would crumble under it too. The whole anxiety thing is something I've had a nagging feeling about, for a while though I'm sure mine is only mild compared to others'. Sitting down to write this post, got me thinking about this photo series I found on Tumblr, which I actually feel like represents how I felt quite a bit. I'm sure if it had gone on for too long, I might also have begun to feel depressed as my doctor was already worried about that.

Found on Tumblr - it took me so long to track this down

I got my therapist to write a status report after our second session to send in along with a request to my university to push back my two classes a year. That went through rather smoothly and indirectly that also pushed back having to pick a graduate immediately, which was also a burden off my chest. Eventually, the assistant teaching job finished and I got a handle on how to approach my project writing. Slowly but surely, it became easier to breathe again as I got things cleared off my plate.

I don't know if it was necessary for me to see a therapist but knowing I had to check in with her every other week through a time that was extremely unsettling for me brought some much needed stability, which I highly appreciated. What she observed about myself and my habits were things I mostly knew, as she also agreed I was extremely self-aware, but it was nice to have them confirmed by an unbiased party.

Things I realised about myself/got confirmed through the months I was in therapy:

• I'm stubborn and I use that as a companion to achieve difficult things so I don't give up
• When my stubbornness and perfectionism band together I over-obsess over everything
• Striving for perfection in theory is good but not everything will be perfect and that's okay
• I want to do everything so I say yes to too many projects, which isn't good long-term
• My refusal to have prejudice against people means being around strangers drains me a lot
• I need extra time and research before going to an unfamiliar place to feel safe
• If I'm driving, I need to know exactly where I can park or I'll work myself up
• If I'm taking public transport, I need to familiarise myself with the schedules beforehand
• I like spending time with my family and friends and it's a good way to get out of my own headspace 
• I need time to just be by myself and watch YouTube/Netflix, write blog posts or stories and spend quiet time with my horse to be happy
• Writing takes me to a different place and I love how excited I get about my fictional characters
• I need a healthy balance of work, university, social life and alone time to function properly

When it comes to seeing someone about problems you're having, I would say go for it. Even if you've got a pretty good sense about what's going on with you, it's nice to talk to someone about it. Just saying it out loud is enough sometimes.

One thing, I really took away from the sessions with my therapist wasn't something she deduced about me but rather something personal about herself that she told me. She was relatively old and lost career-wise before she figured out what she wanted to be. So maybe me not knowing what I want to do isn't as uncommon as it sometimes feels. It gives me hope I can find my "perfect" niche.

I actually got a referral from my doctor, which I also went to see when I began feeling physically unwell in April, to a therapist more specialised in anxiety. I'm still not sure if I'm feeling up for more but I'll ponder over it. I'm taking July off from anything stressful. I'm determined to make it a month of bliss and without any of the stupid worries I stuff my head with.