Five Days with Grandma
It would probably be difficult to grasp for people how their company can be draining your social battery, especially if they are someone who doesn't know it themselves. Even people you love can be draining if you're spending prolonged time with them. I know my grandmother is from a different time than I am and we are different in many ways, which vastly overshadow the few similarities we have. And her company often drains me, which in turn makes me feel bad.
I always try my best to adapt to her and to be considerate of her. I know I'm the young one and her age means that she is set in her ways differently from how I am. She operates in a vastly different tempo from me. She has no real concept of having to be somewhere on a certain time, so she doesn't get ready on time or doesn't arrive at a specific time quite a lot. I know this is not mean will, time just slip from her fingers because she isn't used to driving in a high gear.
It is totally fair and understandable but that also means that when she comes over to join in with our everyday life, she gets in the way a bit. Between all the different obligations the four of us have, it's hard to juggle time to just sit and chat for hours on end or eat food. I know she doesn't eat that often when she's by herself but whenever she had guests or is a guest, she assumes everyone needs to get fed all the time. It's a very grandmother thing to do and mine is no exception.
It's nice though. It's one of the reasons I still like coming to stay with her, even if I have found it to be more difficult as I've become older. At her house in Jutland, time seems to work differently and you can only really tell what time of the day it is by the many meals and coffee breaks. It's quite nice and I feel like we always get to chat a whole lot while I'm there.
But having her at our house is different, especially when it's during the week where we all have work and school to attend. She says that she doesn't want to be a hindrance or in the way but the truth of the matter is that she will be. I don't mean that in a mean way but we've developed patterns that work for the four of us. She doesn't fit with that and as a result, we do change our plans to spend more time with her or make sure she isn't left alone in the house for hours on end. We do that because we love her but it doesn't change the fact that she can't just make us go about our daily life as we normally would. It's not possible. It wouldn't be possible with any guest.
She didn't have her car with her this time and it has been somewhat of a nightmare for her. I get it. I really, really do. It's beyond annoying to be tied to a place, dependent on others for transportation. On the bonus side, she saves the money that a trip would cost her because she's hitching a ride both ways. But it took a toll on her and I know it made her feel even more in the way. It surely made her appreciate her car and the freedom that comes with it a lot more. She's one tough lady at 80 still driving and having so much energy. I greatly admire her for that.
But she did mention the lack of car a fair few times and swore never to do that again. I repeat: I understand her frustration. However, I don't think it was the best use of her time or mental space to repeat it so many times. She'd made the decision and regretting it was unfortunate but there wasn't anything she could do about it now. She could have held off and just filed away the lesson she learnt and talk about it after the fact. Or leave it at that first mention instead of adding five more. I don't think you should always suffer the consequences of your actions if you can do something about it, like when my brother picked the wrong school and changed so that he was only miserable for four months rather than three whole years. But this was only for a couple of bloody days.
I'm at my receptionist job now, having just left her home alone, which had not been the plan. My aunt and her husband should have picked her up around noon, which was comfortably before I had to leave at 3 PM. But alas, my aunt is always late and hadn't showed up when I needed to leave. My grandmother kept saying that she would just sit on the steps outside of our house, which I obviously wouldn't let her. Again she just tried to be the least possibly in the way, which was kind of her, but also entirely unhelpful.
In the end, I left my personal house key with her and gave her precise instructions of where to leave it for me. And I guarded off most of the space of hallway that our dog stays in. Hallie wasn't very keen on me leaving, even with my grandmother and her dog as company, and I don't blame her when I boarded up half of her space but left the other side open. And handing off my key made my heart speed up, as I've mentioned before I'm very sentimentally attached to things, but I did it anyway. I just have to cross my fingers that she remember to do everything I told her. And my key isn't lost or in Jutland when I return.
I've been in her company for only five days but I feel partied out. Perhaps particularly because we celebrated my brother's eighteenth birthday Sunday. It was a very nice celebration with the family but it used up even more of that precious social battery. And Monday brought the first day of school for my brother, which meant he came running home with groups of friends in-between classes twice. And then he got drunk off his ass and had to be picked up by my mother. I'll leave the glorious details of that event private.
I snapped at my grandmother yesterday and I still feel bad about it. She has this habit of cleaning our house, specifically our kitchen when she visits. And I politely asked her to stop several times, which she of course just ignored like she always do. I hate when she goes around cleaning up in our house. Sure, she could put the plate and utensils from her breakfast in the dishwasher, but clearing the whole sink and wiping down the table and counters is a different thing entirely. I know she thinks we're messy and she likes to do something as to not just sit still. She's incapable of sitting still for very long in fact, which is great for her but I do wish it wouldn't manifest like the need to clean our space. That's not her responsibility and she is a guest in our home.
I always feel so horrible when she's running around cleaning. The house might be messy at times but it's my safe space and her running around and "tidying" (things end up in the entirely wrong places) just makes me feel on edge and on alert the whole time.
And then I told her off for feeding chocolate cake to the dogs, which prompted her to become upset with me as that came on top of me repeatedly telling her to stop cleaning our kitchen. She said she wasn't used to being scolded like that (or rather "skæld ud") and she would take a walk before we got mad at each other ("uvenner"). I know why it might sting if she felt like I treated her like a child, which her words might indicate. She also called out my swearing ("du bander og svovler"), which I hadn't even realised that I did but I do think it was a bit of an overstatement for a slip of the tongue or two.
When I'm emotional - whether it's excitement, sadness or anger - I tend to swear because I feel compelled to fully utilise the more colourful words in my vocabulary to emphasise what I'm feeling.
Frankly, her accusation shows how little she knows me because I was nowhere near being mad at her, despite the accidental swear word, nor did I try to talk down to her - I would never do that. I was slightly annoyed she refused to listen to me but I wasn't mad at all. At that instance, she would have like to have her car, I know. Normally, she would have left in the morning following a birthday, especially if it was a weekday.
I don't think I was being harsh but I know I upset her without meaning to. And if you hurt someone's feelings, you don't get to say that you didn't just because that hadn't been your intention. It might have been a mistake but that doesn't cease the other's feeling of hurt from being valid. And I'm sorry if she thought I was scolding her. In instances like that, I would so desperately wish that I would actually be able to sit down with her and explain why I try to get her to stop doing something. No scratch that. The reality is that I would like her to respect my words without me having to painstakingly make her see it from my point of view. Every. Single. Time. Especially because she never does when I've attempted it.
When I'm with her, like I said in the beginning, I try my very best to conform to her habit and respect her home and lifestyle. I just wished that she would be able to do the same for me but perhaps that's too tall an order.
I'm just so sad that I always end up getting so drained or feeling misunderstood by her lately. Maybe I don't understand her as much I as think I do or maybe I should bend over backward and break my spine to not upset her in any way. It's just difficult to do that in my own home where I have my own routines that I don't like disrupted. I love her dearly but I do wish that spending time with her for extended periods didn't always lead to something like this. For both of our sakes.
I always try my best to adapt to her and to be considerate of her. I know I'm the young one and her age means that she is set in her ways differently from how I am. She operates in a vastly different tempo from me. She has no real concept of having to be somewhere on a certain time, so she doesn't get ready on time or doesn't arrive at a specific time quite a lot. I know this is not mean will, time just slip from her fingers because she isn't used to driving in a high gear.
It is totally fair and understandable but that also means that when she comes over to join in with our everyday life, she gets in the way a bit. Between all the different obligations the four of us have, it's hard to juggle time to just sit and chat for hours on end or eat food. I know she doesn't eat that often when she's by herself but whenever she had guests or is a guest, she assumes everyone needs to get fed all the time. It's a very grandmother thing to do and mine is no exception.
It's nice though. It's one of the reasons I still like coming to stay with her, even if I have found it to be more difficult as I've become older. At her house in Jutland, time seems to work differently and you can only really tell what time of the day it is by the many meals and coffee breaks. It's quite nice and I feel like we always get to chat a whole lot while I'm there.
Her dog perfectly capturing the normally chilled vibe of her home
But having her at our house is different, especially when it's during the week where we all have work and school to attend. She says that she doesn't want to be a hindrance or in the way but the truth of the matter is that she will be. I don't mean that in a mean way but we've developed patterns that work for the four of us. She doesn't fit with that and as a result, we do change our plans to spend more time with her or make sure she isn't left alone in the house for hours on end. We do that because we love her but it doesn't change the fact that she can't just make us go about our daily life as we normally would. It's not possible. It wouldn't be possible with any guest.
She didn't have her car with her this time and it has been somewhat of a nightmare for her. I get it. I really, really do. It's beyond annoying to be tied to a place, dependent on others for transportation. On the bonus side, she saves the money that a trip would cost her because she's hitching a ride both ways. But it took a toll on her and I know it made her feel even more in the way. It surely made her appreciate her car and the freedom that comes with it a lot more. She's one tough lady at 80 still driving and having so much energy. I greatly admire her for that.
But she did mention the lack of car a fair few times and swore never to do that again. I repeat: I understand her frustration. However, I don't think it was the best use of her time or mental space to repeat it so many times. She'd made the decision and regretting it was unfortunate but there wasn't anything she could do about it now. She could have held off and just filed away the lesson she learnt and talk about it after the fact. Or leave it at that first mention instead of adding five more. I don't think you should always suffer the consequences of your actions if you can do something about it, like when my brother picked the wrong school and changed so that he was only miserable for four months rather than three whole years. But this was only for a couple of bloody days.
I'm at my receptionist job now, having just left her home alone, which had not been the plan. My aunt and her husband should have picked her up around noon, which was comfortably before I had to leave at 3 PM. But alas, my aunt is always late and hadn't showed up when I needed to leave. My grandmother kept saying that she would just sit on the steps outside of our house, which I obviously wouldn't let her. Again she just tried to be the least possibly in the way, which was kind of her, but also entirely unhelpful.
In the end, I left my personal house key with her and gave her precise instructions of where to leave it for me. And I guarded off most of the space of hallway that our dog stays in. Hallie wasn't very keen on me leaving, even with my grandmother and her dog as company, and I don't blame her when I boarded up half of her space but left the other side open. And handing off my key made my heart speed up, as I've mentioned before I'm very sentimentally attached to things, but I did it anyway. I just have to cross my fingers that she remember to do everything I told her. And my key isn't lost or in Jutland when I return.
I've been in her company for only five days but I feel partied out. Perhaps particularly because we celebrated my brother's eighteenth birthday Sunday. It was a very nice celebration with the family but it used up even more of that precious social battery. And Monday brought the first day of school for my brother, which meant he came running home with groups of friends in-between classes twice. And then he got drunk off his ass and had to be picked up by my mother. I'll leave the glorious details of that event private.
I did escape to horseback for a couple of hours and having a good gallop did wonders to clear the mind
I snapped at my grandmother yesterday and I still feel bad about it. She has this habit of cleaning our house, specifically our kitchen when she visits. And I politely asked her to stop several times, which she of course just ignored like she always do. I hate when she goes around cleaning up in our house. Sure, she could put the plate and utensils from her breakfast in the dishwasher, but clearing the whole sink and wiping down the table and counters is a different thing entirely. I know she thinks we're messy and she likes to do something as to not just sit still. She's incapable of sitting still for very long in fact, which is great for her but I do wish it wouldn't manifest like the need to clean our space. That's not her responsibility and she is a guest in our home.
I always feel so horrible when she's running around cleaning. The house might be messy at times but it's my safe space and her running around and "tidying" (things end up in the entirely wrong places) just makes me feel on edge and on alert the whole time.
And then I told her off for feeding chocolate cake to the dogs, which prompted her to become upset with me as that came on top of me repeatedly telling her to stop cleaning our kitchen. She said she wasn't used to being scolded like that (or rather "skæld ud") and she would take a walk before we got mad at each other ("uvenner"). I know why it might sting if she felt like I treated her like a child, which her words might indicate. She also called out my swearing ("du bander og svovler"), which I hadn't even realised that I did but I do think it was a bit of an overstatement for a slip of the tongue or two.
When I'm emotional - whether it's excitement, sadness or anger - I tend to swear because I feel compelled to fully utilise the more colourful words in my vocabulary to emphasise what I'm feeling.
By a Girl who Loves to Write aka Me
Frankly, her accusation shows how little she knows me because I was nowhere near being mad at her, despite the accidental swear word, nor did I try to talk down to her - I would never do that. I was slightly annoyed she refused to listen to me but I wasn't mad at all. At that instance, she would have like to have her car, I know. Normally, she would have left in the morning following a birthday, especially if it was a weekday.
I don't think I was being harsh but I know I upset her without meaning to. And if you hurt someone's feelings, you don't get to say that you didn't just because that hadn't been your intention. It might have been a mistake but that doesn't cease the other's feeling of hurt from being valid. And I'm sorry if she thought I was scolding her. In instances like that, I would so desperately wish that I would actually be able to sit down with her and explain why I try to get her to stop doing something. No scratch that. The reality is that I would like her to respect my words without me having to painstakingly make her see it from my point of view. Every. Single. Time. Especially because she never does when I've attempted it.
Grandma's dog followed me around constantly and though clingy, she is quite adorable, little piglet
When I'm with her, like I said in the beginning, I try my very best to conform to her habit and respect her home and lifestyle. I just wished that she would be able to do the same for me but perhaps that's too tall an order.
I'm just so sad that I always end up getting so drained or feeling misunderstood by her lately. Maybe I don't understand her as much I as think I do or maybe I should bend over backward and break my spine to not upset her in any way. It's just difficult to do that in my own home where I have my own routines that I don't like disrupted. I love her dearly but I do wish that spending time with her for extended periods didn't always lead to something like this. For both of our sakes.
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