Old Participation Anxiety Briefly Resurfaced
In the post that I wrote towards the end of February, I mentioned how I had gotten a newfound appreciation for my university time. One of the things I mentioned was that I was the student that participated in every class, always raising their hand and how I liked it, despite a part of my brain worrying that I was being annoying. And now I've had to confront whether or not it was a bigger part of my brain that I realised. And if rather than being annoying, if I was blocking other students from participating by accident.
A couple of weeks ago, I was sat in a lecture and when the professor asked a question, I raised my hand and offered a reply. It went well, the professor agreed with my observation and then he asked another question. I waited for a beat, glancing around at my classmates to see absolutely none of them raising their hand. So I raised mine and the professor blatantly ignored it and instead pointed out someone in the back of the class, who clearly hadn't done the reading and didn't know the answer while I lowered my hand hesitantly. And then I did something a little childish, and decided to be silent for the rest of the lecture, because if he didn't want to hear what I had to say then he didn't have to.
I'm not sure I'm proud of that a little passive-agressive move but I felt a little wronged. It hurt to blatantly ignored and it dug into me in a way that surprised me. On top of that, I felt great sympathy for the student and later students that were singled out and put on the spot to provide an answer. I remember feeling like that so vividly and it felt like being back in gymnasium rather that studying a Masters at university.
I didn't actually manage to stick to my resolution of not speaking for the rest of the lecture because the professor mentioned something that went directly opposite to what the text said and I felt compelled to point that out before I went back to my self-instructed vow of silence. After I had resigned, the class was very quiet and a lot of staring back and forth and some students being forced to answer and a couple offering up answers out of their own will.
I know this is a problem with the students rather than the teachers trying to engage them. It shouldn't be this fucking hard. We are all adults with at least three years of university experience already and there's goddamn dead silence way too often. And a lot of time students don't read the assigned readings or even show up without reading to workshops where we're supposed to work on the material! Like... it makes me furious because we're all out here getting this education for free! What a fucking privilege. And I know that sometimes things get on top of each other and you can't always do the readings but this happens to too many students way too often. It's a pattern and frankly, it shows their priorities and apparently university isn't really one of the top ones.
But then this week, in the class that actually my favourite of the semester, I sort of had a dejavu experience. The assistant professor, who I really like despite his teaching style not including slides, asked a question and I raised my hand and answered. Later, he asked something again, and no one raised a hand. So I did it again. As opposed to my other professor, this one took a much more pedagogical approach to it and rather than singling out a specific student. He said that we'd go by the four rows that we were sat in and when he'd start by getting an answer from one row and then moving through them, so everyone had to get involved. I shared a smile of understanding with him and lowered my hand and I more okay with this approach, even if it did sting a little.
However, because he wanted to get more people involved, I tried to turn my brain off a little, so I wouldn't feel compelled to jump in with an observation or perspective all the time, which is how my mind currently works, especially in exercise classes. Unfortunately, this had a bit of a negative effect when it was towards the end of the lecture and on the topic of the third text and the professor asked for the front row's weigh in. I'm not sure how I had missed that we were up but I was caught by surprise a little, so I looked to the three people that I was sharing a row with and all of them - all of them - were looking into their screens, pretending that they hadn't just been asked a question.
I felt like I was all the way back in ground school with that cowardly approach displayed by my fellow "row mates". I felt panic rise in my chest a little and I wasn't even sure if there had been a real question to answer, but because I had the professor's eye and none of the others did, I felt so very much put on the spot. I spurted out something, probably vaguely relevant but I still felt so thrown by it.
I might have learnt to walk into the spotlight. I've practice raising my hand and offering an answer for years and gradually, I've become able to do it without my heart racing like a manic. Granted, on rare occasions, in big crowds, the rapid heart beat and heavy feeling in my chest still happens. But for most parts, I'm happy engaging in a discussion about the topics and texts that we're studying. But I choose to step into the spotlight. Voluntarily. I still don't like it being shone on me when I'm feel unprepared. I know how to handle it better and not just bolt out of the room, like I've actually done once when I felt very overwhelmed at like age thirteen.
And I don't even think my fellow students in the same row - two of which are in my study group - even knew how uncomfortable I felt or how their actions made me feel caught in the headlights and so unsure. Because I'm the active student that has something to say to anything, right? I must love to just talk and talk and I must be able to answer any question thrown at me. I probably enjoy it, right?
And yes, I do enjoy it, when it's on my terms. You learn so incredibly much from participating in discussions and reading the material and paying attention. But that doesn't mean that I actually like the attention that being an active student brings. I'm not an attention seeker. I only talk a lot when I'm passionate about a topic, which thankfully, I am about my studies generally. But I don't like it. And I don't want to take the space away from other students.
I felt a little like I had done that when I took a walk with Hallie after stopping by my parents on the way to see my horse. However, once I came back from the walk I found my Mum in the living room and talked things out with her. I knew she would be able to sort out the overwhelming thoughts in my head. She's very good at that.
She assured me that I wasn't taking away space from any students. She knows me and she said that I would never be able to do that because it's not in my nature. If I occupy a lot of the space, it's not because I'm doing something wrong or being over-active. It's my fellow students that are being too inactive and I shouldn't feel guilty about that. I'm doing what you're supposed to be doing as a university student, which is do your readings and participate in class. It shouldn't fall on me that the people sitting around me aren't doing the bare minimum expected of them when they decided, as adults, to enrol in this education.
My mother is a very wise woman. And she has a knack for pulling me out of my own head when it all gets a bit too much and I get caught up in some minor detail. I also just came on my period, which might explain why feelings are running extra high and why I felt so sensitive. I actually felt tears come to my eyes when I had to tell Mum about everything but that's unfortunately normal when I feel frustrated. Even if it just makes me feel even more frustrated by getting so affected from something so silly.
But I think, on some subconscious level, I felt like I might be doing things wrong if a teacher wouldn't let me answer a question. Objectively and logically, I know any teacher would want engagement from the whole or at least a majority of the class and it wouldn't be odd not to call on the student that knew the stuff. I know that. And the whole row idea, which was initiated to make sure everyone got involved, worked out pretty well, even if I hate that we even have to resort to those kind of tactics to get adult people, who supposedly want to be here to take it seriously.
I emailed the assistant professor and asked for a quick word with him the day after because we still have another week of class in that course and I felt like I needed to explain what happened to me and also ask whether he would prefer that I tried to sit on my answers for longer than the usual ten seconds of silence that usually prompts me. Maybe waiting just a little longer will make other people engage and then I can say my point as an addition. And if he'll be doing that type of segmentation again and I once again experience that my fellow students around me just divert their eyes, then I need to know that he won't expect me to necessarily answer. Which again, I already know on an objective level that this is the case and he was addressing four students before and not just me, but my subconscious felt so singled out, so I think explaining this would help me.
When I arrived at the meeting, I was a little bit on edge but my professor was lovely like always. He just wrapped up with his office roommate and then came out into the canteen area where we sat down for a little chat. I opened up by explaining to him how the whole row thing had accidentally made me feel caught in the headlights and he apologised for that. I assured him that I didn't blame him, because I really don't. However, I felt like it was important for me to say it because I remember thinking that the answer that I gave, after I felt no help from my fellow students, probably didn't make much sense. When I started mentioning the whole thing about possibly waiting to reply, he shut that down immediately. He didn't even let me finish my sentence before saying that I shouldn't do that. He said that he was very thankful for my participation and that my insights were moving the class along.
I shouldn't moderate myself. I was doing the right thing and it was just my fellow students not acting like they should.
The advice was so similar to what my mother gave me just the evening before but hearing it now from two sources that I respected, just amplified the effect. It was calming to know that I am on the right track, because my subconscious turned against me and my gut reaction steered me towards the option of just shutting up at the final lecture entirely, even if I know that's so unproductive. However, like I told my professor, I really love this course and what we're studying, so I probably wouldn't be able to hold my tongue for very long. I had only planned for it to be a quick five minute chat but it ended up being around twenty minutes before I had to dash out to go teach my study café. We also talked briefly about the different motivation of students, thesis writing, my exchange stay, how I'd moved from being the quiet student to the active student and what learning environment I preferred. It was a nice thing.
I was a bit apprehensive of whether or not I should drop by his office for a chat about this since there was only a week left of class but I'm so glad that I did it. I felt happy and calmer when I walked out of the office building. I wrote a post when I was just about to start my Masters last autumn where I mentioned that on the final semester of my bachelor, I had kicked myself to participate in class, basically every single time, and how I wanted to do that again. Then things fell a little apart in this first Master semester, partly because of pneumonia and partly because I had a lot of things to balance at the same time. When I fell behind on the readings and missed so many lectures, it resulted in being so doubtful during the exam period. But this semester, I feel like I got back into the swing of things and more than ever I've managed to stay on top of all the things I have to do, while moving out as well. It's still a balance act but I'm learning even if I still struggle sometimes.
But I had a serious talk with myself and I worked out just how highly I should prioritise my education and with this came a decision to do university work every single day without fail to not fall so behind and end up like I did last time during the exam period. And quite naturally, the participation urge came back and I've been so happy for it up until the two moments mentioned in this post. I have also missed only one single day of classes, which was a project lecture about statistics (not all that relevant) and a knowledge management lecture. But that's all and on the day I missed I couldn't stand up without feeling dizzy, so it wasn't a cop out. I have been to every single other class, whether it be a lecture, an exercise class or a workshop. I've even attended the Bridge Building classes and a writing session by the library and watched a debate about sustainable business. It takes up so much of my time but I feel like I'm so in the grove of everything.
I think that might have been why this wave of uncertainty and old participation anxiety resurfacing had me thrown off a bit. But I did something that I wouldn't have done just a couple of years ago. Instead of just walking around with it in my head for too long, I took action. I made sure to get some fresh air, contemplate on my own and then discuss it with not one but two people. I'm proud of myself.
And so is my Mum. I sent her an update message after the meeting and she literally said that I should be proud of myself. She certainly is. It's such a simple thing but fuck, it always feels good to hear that from your parents. The title of this post has changed around over the course of writing it but I've settled to include the word briefly now. I reacted quite sensitively to something but I did something about it and I feel like I can move past it now. I know myself well and I often also know when I'm being irrational but it's such a fight internally sometimes and there's nothing like a little outside perspective. So I owe a massive thanks to my mother and my assistant professor for banishing the irrational doubt and uncertainty.
A couple of weeks ago, I was sat in a lecture and when the professor asked a question, I raised my hand and offered a reply. It went well, the professor agreed with my observation and then he asked another question. I waited for a beat, glancing around at my classmates to see absolutely none of them raising their hand. So I raised mine and the professor blatantly ignored it and instead pointed out someone in the back of the class, who clearly hadn't done the reading and didn't know the answer while I lowered my hand hesitantly. And then I did something a little childish, and decided to be silent for the rest of the lecture, because if he didn't want to hear what I had to say then he didn't have to.
I'm not sure I'm proud of that a little passive-agressive move but I felt a little wronged. It hurt to blatantly ignored and it dug into me in a way that surprised me. On top of that, I felt great sympathy for the student and later students that were singled out and put on the spot to provide an answer. I remember feeling like that so vividly and it felt like being back in gymnasium rather that studying a Masters at university.
I didn't actually manage to stick to my resolution of not speaking for the rest of the lecture because the professor mentioned something that went directly opposite to what the text said and I felt compelled to point that out before I went back to my self-instructed vow of silence. After I had resigned, the class was very quiet and a lot of staring back and forth and some students being forced to answer and a couple offering up answers out of their own will.
I know this is a problem with the students rather than the teachers trying to engage them. It shouldn't be this fucking hard. We are all adults with at least three years of university experience already and there's goddamn dead silence way too often. And a lot of time students don't read the assigned readings or even show up without reading to workshops where we're supposed to work on the material! Like... it makes me furious because we're all out here getting this education for free! What a fucking privilege. And I know that sometimes things get on top of each other and you can't always do the readings but this happens to too many students way too often. It's a pattern and frankly, it shows their priorities and apparently university isn't really one of the top ones.
I took Hallie on a long walk to contemplate what happened described below and why I felt so affected
But then this week, in the class that actually my favourite of the semester, I sort of had a dejavu experience. The assistant professor, who I really like despite his teaching style not including slides, asked a question and I raised my hand and answered. Later, he asked something again, and no one raised a hand. So I did it again. As opposed to my other professor, this one took a much more pedagogical approach to it and rather than singling out a specific student. He said that we'd go by the four rows that we were sat in and when he'd start by getting an answer from one row and then moving through them, so everyone had to get involved. I shared a smile of understanding with him and lowered my hand and I more okay with this approach, even if it did sting a little.
However, because he wanted to get more people involved, I tried to turn my brain off a little, so I wouldn't feel compelled to jump in with an observation or perspective all the time, which is how my mind currently works, especially in exercise classes. Unfortunately, this had a bit of a negative effect when it was towards the end of the lecture and on the topic of the third text and the professor asked for the front row's weigh in. I'm not sure how I had missed that we were up but I was caught by surprise a little, so I looked to the three people that I was sharing a row with and all of them - all of them - were looking into their screens, pretending that they hadn't just been asked a question.
I felt like I was all the way back in ground school with that cowardly approach displayed by my fellow "row mates". I felt panic rise in my chest a little and I wasn't even sure if there had been a real question to answer, but because I had the professor's eye and none of the others did, I felt so very much put on the spot. I spurted out something, probably vaguely relevant but I still felt so thrown by it.
I might have learnt to walk into the spotlight. I've practice raising my hand and offering an answer for years and gradually, I've become able to do it without my heart racing like a manic. Granted, on rare occasions, in big crowds, the rapid heart beat and heavy feeling in my chest still happens. But for most parts, I'm happy engaging in a discussion about the topics and texts that we're studying. But I choose to step into the spotlight. Voluntarily. I still don't like it being shone on me when I'm feel unprepared. I know how to handle it better and not just bolt out of the room, like I've actually done once when I felt very overwhelmed at like age thirteen.
And I don't even think my fellow students in the same row - two of which are in my study group - even knew how uncomfortable I felt or how their actions made me feel caught in the headlights and so unsure. Because I'm the active student that has something to say to anything, right? I must love to just talk and talk and I must be able to answer any question thrown at me. I probably enjoy it, right?
And yes, I do enjoy it, when it's on my terms. You learn so incredibly much from participating in discussions and reading the material and paying attention. But that doesn't mean that I actually like the attention that being an active student brings. I'm not an attention seeker. I only talk a lot when I'm passionate about a topic, which thankfully, I am about my studies generally. But I don't like it. And I don't want to take the space away from other students.
I felt a little like I had done that when I took a walk with Hallie after stopping by my parents on the way to see my horse. However, once I came back from the walk I found my Mum in the living room and talked things out with her. I knew she would be able to sort out the overwhelming thoughts in my head. She's very good at that.
She assured me that I wasn't taking away space from any students. She knows me and she said that I would never be able to do that because it's not in my nature. If I occupy a lot of the space, it's not because I'm doing something wrong or being over-active. It's my fellow students that are being too inactive and I shouldn't feel guilty about that. I'm doing what you're supposed to be doing as a university student, which is do your readings and participate in class. It shouldn't fall on me that the people sitting around me aren't doing the bare minimum expected of them when they decided, as adults, to enrol in this education.
My mother is a very wise woman. And she has a knack for pulling me out of my own head when it all gets a bit too much and I get caught up in some minor detail. I also just came on my period, which might explain why feelings are running extra high and why I felt so sensitive. I actually felt tears come to my eyes when I had to tell Mum about everything but that's unfortunately normal when I feel frustrated. Even if it just makes me feel even more frustrated by getting so affected from something so silly.
But I think, on some subconscious level, I felt like I might be doing things wrong if a teacher wouldn't let me answer a question. Objectively and logically, I know any teacher would want engagement from the whole or at least a majority of the class and it wouldn't be odd not to call on the student that knew the stuff. I know that. And the whole row idea, which was initiated to make sure everyone got involved, worked out pretty well, even if I hate that we even have to resort to those kind of tactics to get adult people, who supposedly want to be here to take it seriously.
I emailed the assistant professor and asked for a quick word with him the day after because we still have another week of class in that course and I felt like I needed to explain what happened to me and also ask whether he would prefer that I tried to sit on my answers for longer than the usual ten seconds of silence that usually prompts me. Maybe waiting just a little longer will make other people engage and then I can say my point as an addition. And if he'll be doing that type of segmentation again and I once again experience that my fellow students around me just divert their eyes, then I need to know that he won't expect me to necessarily answer. Which again, I already know on an objective level that this is the case and he was addressing four students before and not just me, but my subconscious felt so singled out, so I think explaining this would help me.
When I arrived at the meeting, I was a little bit on edge but my professor was lovely like always. He just wrapped up with his office roommate and then came out into the canteen area where we sat down for a little chat. I opened up by explaining to him how the whole row thing had accidentally made me feel caught in the headlights and he apologised for that. I assured him that I didn't blame him, because I really don't. However, I felt like it was important for me to say it because I remember thinking that the answer that I gave, after I felt no help from my fellow students, probably didn't make much sense. When I started mentioning the whole thing about possibly waiting to reply, he shut that down immediately. He didn't even let me finish my sentence before saying that I shouldn't do that. He said that he was very thankful for my participation and that my insights were moving the class along.
I shouldn't moderate myself. I was doing the right thing and it was just my fellow students not acting like they should.
The advice was so similar to what my mother gave me just the evening before but hearing it now from two sources that I respected, just amplified the effect. It was calming to know that I am on the right track, because my subconscious turned against me and my gut reaction steered me towards the option of just shutting up at the final lecture entirely, even if I know that's so unproductive. However, like I told my professor, I really love this course and what we're studying, so I probably wouldn't be able to hold my tongue for very long. I had only planned for it to be a quick five minute chat but it ended up being around twenty minutes before I had to dash out to go teach my study café. We also talked briefly about the different motivation of students, thesis writing, my exchange stay, how I'd moved from being the quiet student to the active student and what learning environment I preferred. It was a nice thing.
I was a bit apprehensive of whether or not I should drop by his office for a chat about this since there was only a week left of class but I'm so glad that I did it. I felt happy and calmer when I walked out of the office building. I wrote a post when I was just about to start my Masters last autumn where I mentioned that on the final semester of my bachelor, I had kicked myself to participate in class, basically every single time, and how I wanted to do that again. Then things fell a little apart in this first Master semester, partly because of pneumonia and partly because I had a lot of things to balance at the same time. When I fell behind on the readings and missed so many lectures, it resulted in being so doubtful during the exam period. But this semester, I feel like I got back into the swing of things and more than ever I've managed to stay on top of all the things I have to do, while moving out as well. It's still a balance act but I'm learning even if I still struggle sometimes.
But I had a serious talk with myself and I worked out just how highly I should prioritise my education and with this came a decision to do university work every single day without fail to not fall so behind and end up like I did last time during the exam period. And quite naturally, the participation urge came back and I've been so happy for it up until the two moments mentioned in this post. I have also missed only one single day of classes, which was a project lecture about statistics (not all that relevant) and a knowledge management lecture. But that's all and on the day I missed I couldn't stand up without feeling dizzy, so it wasn't a cop out. I have been to every single other class, whether it be a lecture, an exercise class or a workshop. I've even attended the Bridge Building classes and a writing session by the library and watched a debate about sustainable business. It takes up so much of my time but I feel like I'm so in the grove of everything.
I think that might have been why this wave of uncertainty and old participation anxiety resurfacing had me thrown off a bit. But I did something that I wouldn't have done just a couple of years ago. Instead of just walking around with it in my head for too long, I took action. I made sure to get some fresh air, contemplate on my own and then discuss it with not one but two people. I'm proud of myself.
And so is my Mum. I sent her an update message after the meeting and she literally said that I should be proud of myself. She certainly is. It's such a simple thing but fuck, it always feels good to hear that from your parents. The title of this post has changed around over the course of writing it but I've settled to include the word briefly now. I reacted quite sensitively to something but I did something about it and I feel like I can move past it now. I know myself well and I often also know when I'm being irrational but it's such a fight internally sometimes and there's nothing like a little outside perspective. So I owe a massive thanks to my mother and my assistant professor for banishing the irrational doubt and uncertainty.
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