Anxiety Triggered Then Everything Went Back to Normal

It's thankfully very rare that I've gotten so badly impacted and overpowered by anxiety that it escalates into an actual can't-breathe can't-move can't-think situation but this past Wednesday it did for the first time in nearly a year and it was so bloody terrifying. Though, looking back at it now, the details seems fuzzy and as if my mind has blocked it out already. Nevertheless, I need to write about what triggered it.

My last blog post was about an e-mail that got me shaking and worried and over-thinking and overreacting. It was the owners of the stable requesting that my horse should be moved to a different spot in the stable than where she's been for over 7 years. I did not take it well but when I finally got around to talking to Mum, she wasn't having any of it and promptly sent an e-mail explaining that we could not agree - not when just the mere mention sent me into emotional and physical distress.

We got an e-mail back same day just saying: "OK. Thanks for replying". I somehow moved past it really quickly because with all these busy days I don't really have the headspace to worry about stuff like that. Until Wednesday morning rolled around, the only day that week where I didn't need to travel to Copenhagen and have +7 hours at work or university. There was an e-mail sitting in my inbox and the message triggered everything.

It stated that they had looked at the reasons we had given in our e-mail and decided that she needed to switch places with their new injured and anxious horse. Towards the end they mentioned that they would move her and the phrasing of the words made it seem as if it had already happened (spoiler, it didn't but I didn't know that at the time).

This is Money in her "new spot" but keep reading 'cause it didn't become permanent

It was the fact that I thought they had moved her with my consent to a new spot and the change appeared to have happened early in the morning while I was sleeping. It was the feeling that I would walk into the stable and have to turn the opposite way to see my horse, permanently moved, that sent me over the edge.

Like I mentioned, I don't quite remember the details that well now as they faded from my conscious rather quickly, though I felt the soreness in my muscles the days to follow and the exhausted feeling weighing down my shoulders and making it hard to concentrate. But I managed to sent a text to Mum before I quite fell apart and from then, I lost about ten minutes where I was just a sobbing and hyperventilating mess. I know enough about panic attacks, if that was truly what it was, to know that they pass even though they feel like hell when they're happening. It came and passed and I was just calming down slightly when I got Mum on the phone and she tried to talk me down even further, only for me to sob again and then promised to reply to the e-mail letting them know that the way they had gone about it was not okay.

I had already plans to see Money that late morning and hesitantly I got dressed and was a rather nervous wreck on the hour commute out to see her. I was trying to let the thought settle that I would find her in a different spot - a wrong spot my mind kept telling me - and I had trouble with that. Still, my body was tired and my mind exhausted after the shattering wake-up I had.

I spotted this odd part on the train door and it made me smile amid all the nerves

Doesn't it look like a silly face turned sideways?

Turns out Money wasn't moved. Yet. The stable was busy though and I just wanted to be alone, so I rushed about and gathered up just her reins and blanket and my helmet and we were out the door. We managed to train some dressage bareback after a brief stroll out on the grounds behind the stable. When we finished, I sent off a text to Mum to let her know that they had yet to move her and she called me almost immediately. She wanted to set up a meeting with the stable owners that night and hesitantly I agreed. I knew I needed to talk to them to sort this mess out.

I finished up at the stables and then went on the long trip home. The meeting got scheduled and when Mum got home from work we headed back to the stables to talk to them. She asked me what I wanted to get out of this meeting and I said two things: for the owners to understand why I was so upset and get her one of eight other spots in the main stable that I found more suitable than the one they suggested.

The meeting went as alright. I got to explain my point of view, cried a lot (which makes me really uncomfortable but it was important to show how deeply that e-mail had shaken me) and they were quite shocked to learn I even had this anxiety since it's not really something I advertise with. It's thankfully extremely rarely that it's triggered (I'm so fortunate that it's not something that I struggle with severely as many others). Still, Money had to be moved to the spot they suggested but they seemed very apologetic about the whole thing and mentioned that they should have gone about it in a different way. In their defence, they didn't know that I would react like that, even though the tones in our initial reply should maybe have warned them a bit. Moving around horses is like a biweekly thing for their own horses and ponies, so I get why they didn't see it. I'm hoping our conversation will keep a similar situation from occurring again because I love those stables and all the people in them and not feeling comfortable going there was terrifying.

The oldest cat in the stable has a fondness for sitting on my things

Also, you can see Money's old spot in the background

I spent the evening and the following day in a bit of a trance and we went out to move her Thursday evening. She took it well and just munched on the big stack of hay. I still wasn't sure about the whole thing but by this point it felt like I had been awake for two days straight and frankly it was nearing a stage where I couldn't feel my guts twist anymore. We didn't have a say in this and it was done now.

The following morning, Friday, I'm in class at 8 AM when my phone beeps with an e-mail notification. It said that Money had taken the night well and settled nicely. Their horse, however, had not and they had switched them back. I think I started at my screen in disbelief for about a minute before I put it away and tried to focus on the lecture. Everything had been reversed, though they did reserve the right to try again because they still don't quite like that he'll have to exit onto a small hallway.

It felt a bit surreal that I went though so damn much and then everything just reverted back to normal again. I wasn't complaining because I was very happy to have her back in her original spot but what a mess to go through. I definitely could have gone without that panic attack which was still lingering in my body that morning. She had been moved back though because the other horse hasn't been able to calm down, drink or eat. It's quite funny because it would seem their new horse and I were kindred spirits. He had settled in the place he'd had for the first four days and didn't want to be moved from a different spot. It seems I wasn't the only one forming attachment to places.

There's nothing more to say really as I essentially just wanted to document this whole mess. All things considered, I think I managed okay? Bless Mum though because she was like a rock through this and so considerate and kind and supportive. I'm happy I stood up for myself and explained in depth why I reacted with initial refusal and had "kicked up a fuss" after they made their decision. They didn't know how deeply it affected me, honestly I didn't know it ran that deep either. It was just a culmination of too many bad things at once; loss of control, forced change with no preparation, and moving from something that felt like mine (though it wasn't and will never be).

It was a very tough couple of days but everything solved itself in the end. I'm not sure how that happened but I'm very thankful for that. And I for one will be very cautious escorting their new horse in and out of his home.