The Final Exam of My Bachelor | Thoughts Before and After
Milestones are weird. Sometimes you work on something for years, so obviously it becomes part of your day to day life. You live and breathe with it, even if you have other things going on as well. I started university nearly four years ago and now I've finished my bachelor's degree. It feels really weird and as always I took to writing down my thoughts to try and make sense of them. Here are my stream of consciousness rants before and after I took the final exam, which meant I finally finished my degree.
Granted, the written part is a huge part of the exam and the oral is essentially just a defence of my choices based on theory. It's not even that complicated for me and the content of the course include things I've worked with a lot over my time at university but there's this deep refusal within me to get started. I'm working on breaking that now because I do need to study. I've had a shower, walked my dog, gotten a pep talk from Mum and now I'm writing this to put my head in the right space again. I will start working on it after finishing this rant. I promise. I know what to do. Read through my assignment, read through the huge amount of notes I did while writing it and make them into coherent oral comments and then finally skimming through my tonne of lecture notes to keep the theories fresh in my mind.
It's actually not a case of not knowing what to do, which is usually what makes me procrastinate. It's more of an unexplained rowdiness within me. Perhaps not so unexplained when I think about it more closely, which is something I've avoided until now. Well, I better lay all the cards on the table and analyse them because I need this block out of my head, so I can do brilliantly at my exam tomorrow. Without studying I'd likely pass anyway, but I want to do well because this is my final exam. And it's exactly that cursive word that makes it a thing in my subconscious thought process that I now have to bring to the surface.
This is my final exam. When I pass it, I'll have finished the degree I've been working towards for four years. By postponing studying to the very last minute, I push away the thoughts of the "after". Maybe if I won't study, I won't go to the exam and finish. That last part is a lie because I would never sit out an exam without reason, which makes this whole thing more ridiculous. I already got accepted into my choice Master's degree next autumn. I know what the next step is and while it's scary, it isn't terrifying. It'll still be the same university and I don't quite have to go out and be an adult just yet.
So why am I dragging my feet and having to write this? Well, for one it's a good reason for me to structure the thoughts inside of my head that sometimes make little sense until put them down into sentences on a screen. It's also something that gives me momentum and gets me into the right headspace. Yeah, it might be late and I have a few hours of work in front of me but it is just a few hours and I've done all the preparation already. I went to the classes, studied the martial, did all the mock exam assignments, wrote my exam assignment and my thoughts and considerations while writing it.
This is literally the final step on a huge ladder. I'm almost a the top and yet I'm pausing. It's because it's a tipping point and I'm finally so close to having fully climbed this ladder. The first step is the hardest but the final one feels both victorious and terrifying. I'll do it though. I'll put in the work for the final step tonight and tomorrow, I'll go dominate at my exam. All this ladder talk is probably indirectly inspired by How to be a Bawse, which I read earlier this year. Lilly has a lot of good points about conquering life and it's time for me to actually listen to all that advice.
I'll come back tomorrow after the exam and write down my thoughts after I've finished with the final exam of my bachelor's degree. It still sounds scary but I'll power through.
They always are. I've been doing exams for roughly eight years now and I always feel that rush of nerves the morning of an exam. Frankly, I think it's a good thing. It's something that gets me fired up and prepares my body for the performance I'm about to deliver. However, the mornings of exams also bring out a resigned feeling within me. I'm not one of those people who does much revising or rehearsing on the day of the exam, as I've just calmly decided that won't do me any good. So from the moment I get out of bed, drive to university and wait for my turn, I know that I can't do anything more. I've done all I can do at that point and all there's left is to see how it plays out.
I've been told by classmates that I'm always so calm and collected at oral exams while so many of them fidget around and let the nerves make them insecure. I suppose it's true that I'm calm, at least outwardly. I try to remain centred and calm inwardly too but the constant buzz under my skin keeps me alert and on my toes. That's the thing that allows me to walk into the exam room, smile and bedazzle examinators with my knowledge on the topic.
The exam I did this morning was no exception. Everything felt like routine, even though I don't know my current classmates too well. We're all in the same boat when we wait to go in and chat about the course and it always creates a sense of community whether you mean for it or not. I like it to be honest. It's a good thing for my mind to focus on something else that doesn't require too much brain power but it makes sure I don't dig into the corners of my mind and make myself nervous or insecure.
I walked out with the second highest mark (10 aka. B), which I have to confess that bummed me out a tiny bit. I know it sounds ungrateful but I felt the same way when I walked away with that mark from the exam last week too. It's a very good mark and I should be thankful. Obviously there were reasons that I didn't get the highest mark in both cases. This morning they pointed out some flaws in my written assignment that took away from my great oral presentation and last week I did an exam with someone who wasn't my own teacher and he seemed quite critically and searching for extremely specific answers, which I couldn't deliver all of the time.
It's just... this semester I've been kicking my butt to keep up with the reading and not miss class at all. I know that should always be the case but when life gets busy, I have a tendency to pull away from everything. University stuff included. I've done so well with it this time, perhaps the fact that it was only half a course load helped too. Furthermore, it's been topics I've been comfortable with or even passionate about. It's still a wonderful average for this final semester with the highest mark possible in my bachelor thesis to go along with these two marks but I can't help but feel a bit down about it. Even if I know that it's a stupid thing.
I suppose it's because this is the final exam and I now officially have finished my bachelor's degree. I have a university degree. Just writing that seems surreal. It hasn't quite sunk in yet. Obviously, I'll be starting my Masters this autumn, so it doesn't quite feel "done" so to speak. I am happy though. I'm proud of the overall average for my whole degree (9,05) but it feels slightly insignificant.
My mother actually warned me about this when I first started. When I finished gymnasium four years ago, it was celebrated in style with class parties, family celebration and physical momentums to remember the experience by. This feels empty compared to that time. But the truth is I'm more proud of the work I've done at university, both academically and personally.
I've grown so, so much over the last four years and the experiences I've been through, the friends I've made, the things I've learnt all matter so much to me. This feels slightly like the end of an era, despite knowing I'll come back to university in just a few months. I've never been good at saying goodbye to things and all the original feel of fear and worry for my future are creeping up my skull again. It's mostly those thoughts that threatened to cripple me over a year ago when I came too close to developing stress and my anxiety spiked.
There's still so much uncertainty in my life and it scares me, but a tiny part of me is excited too. Who knows what lays ahead for me? I'll probably run into amazing opportunities I can't even think of right now. Completing my BA gives me a business competence but all the lessons I've learnt through my time at university has expanded my life competence as well.
I feel like I might sound slightly delirious. It might have been the four hour on-and-off nap I took this afternoon after my exam. My body felt like it needed the snooze desperately though, so I didn't have much of a choice but to comply. I'll stop rambling now because this post is turning out too long as it is. I'll write a little introduction and ending later and proof-read these two before and after segments. Hopefully, they'll still make sense in the morning.
It's the following Sunday evening now and it's been a weird past couple of days after I finished the exam on Thursday. I've been looking after the house, dog and little brother while my parents were away but now they've just arrived home. I've been trying to hold it together but now I feel the carefully constructed surface threaten to crack and crumble. It's probably the reality setting in. I bloody finished my degree! Nope, still doesn't feel real.
Mum suggested that we go out to celebrate with dinner tomorrow. Perhaps, it'll start to feel real then. Also she got me a gift for finishing my degree and it's so damn sweet. It's a oil lamp made out of handblown glass in a neon green, which is one of my favourite colours. It's such a thoughtful and specific gift and I'm so happy with the little reminder. My windowsill is crowded as fuck but I love it so much.
And with that final photo, I'll leave this blog post. It's a bit of an emotional overload with a lot of thoughts that I'm not sure if it will make sense to somebody that isn't me. But hopefully I've managed to convey myself fairly eloquently. These types of posts are therapeutic to write but they are also the type of posts that I love to look back at because it's like a little snapshot into my mind. And it's a nice way to mark little milestones. It is important to acknowledge them, even if it feels overwhelming in the moment.
Before:
It's the night before the final exam of my bachelor's degree and for the first time in four years, I feel utterly unprepared. I'm someone who always prepare well for exams and even my "utterly unprepared" does include lots of old notes and valid points of views - I just find it so hard to get myself to read them. My mind has been on and off a lot lately, jumping around in scrambles, fighting to focus correctly on the things I ask it to. It doesn't help that I'm on my period and it's more unforgiving than normal. But it's 21:39 the night before my final exam and I haven't done any revision for this particular exam since I handed in the written part last over three weeks ago.Granted, the written part is a huge part of the exam and the oral is essentially just a defence of my choices based on theory. It's not even that complicated for me and the content of the course include things I've worked with a lot over my time at university but there's this deep refusal within me to get started. I'm working on breaking that now because I do need to study. I've had a shower, walked my dog, gotten a pep talk from Mum and now I'm writing this to put my head in the right space again. I will start working on it after finishing this rant. I promise. I know what to do. Read through my assignment, read through the huge amount of notes I did while writing it and make them into coherent oral comments and then finally skimming through my tonne of lecture notes to keep the theories fresh in my mind.
It's actually not a case of not knowing what to do, which is usually what makes me procrastinate. It's more of an unexplained rowdiness within me. Perhaps not so unexplained when I think about it more closely, which is something I've avoided until now. Well, I better lay all the cards on the table and analyse them because I need this block out of my head, so I can do brilliantly at my exam tomorrow. Without studying I'd likely pass anyway, but I want to do well because this is my final exam. And it's exactly that cursive word that makes it a thing in my subconscious thought process that I now have to bring to the surface.
This is my final exam. When I pass it, I'll have finished the degree I've been working towards for four years. By postponing studying to the very last minute, I push away the thoughts of the "after". Maybe if I won't study, I won't go to the exam and finish. That last part is a lie because I would never sit out an exam without reason, which makes this whole thing more ridiculous. I already got accepted into my choice Master's degree next autumn. I know what the next step is and while it's scary, it isn't terrifying. It'll still be the same university and I don't quite have to go out and be an adult just yet.
So why am I dragging my feet and having to write this? Well, for one it's a good reason for me to structure the thoughts inside of my head that sometimes make little sense until put them down into sentences on a screen. It's also something that gives me momentum and gets me into the right headspace. Yeah, it might be late and I have a few hours of work in front of me but it is just a few hours and I've done all the preparation already. I went to the classes, studied the martial, did all the mock exam assignments, wrote my exam assignment and my thoughts and considerations while writing it.
This is literally the final step on a huge ladder. I'm almost a the top and yet I'm pausing. It's because it's a tipping point and I'm finally so close to having fully climbed this ladder. The first step is the hardest but the final one feels both victorious and terrifying. I'll do it though. I'll put in the work for the final step tonight and tomorrow, I'll go dominate at my exam. All this ladder talk is probably indirectly inspired by How to be a Bawse, which I read earlier this year. Lilly has a lot of good points about conquering life and it's time for me to actually listen to all that advice.
I'll come back tomorrow after the exam and write down my thoughts after I've finished with the final exam of my bachelor's degree. It still sounds scary but I'll power through.
A late walk in the setting sun with my loving dog definitely helped calm my nerves
After:
It's now almost exactly 24 hours since I began writing the words found just above. I went to my exam this morning after a fitful six hours of sleep. I had stuck to my promise and put in about and hour and a half of revising and preparing before heading to bed. I actually felt pretty okay about the whole thing. Though the fact that I woke for the first time at 5 AM and then consequently too many times util finally getting out of bed at an appropriate time, still lets me know that the exam nerves were very much present.They always are. I've been doing exams for roughly eight years now and I always feel that rush of nerves the morning of an exam. Frankly, I think it's a good thing. It's something that gets me fired up and prepares my body for the performance I'm about to deliver. However, the mornings of exams also bring out a resigned feeling within me. I'm not one of those people who does much revising or rehearsing on the day of the exam, as I've just calmly decided that won't do me any good. So from the moment I get out of bed, drive to university and wait for my turn, I know that I can't do anything more. I've done all I can do at that point and all there's left is to see how it plays out.
I've been told by classmates that I'm always so calm and collected at oral exams while so many of them fidget around and let the nerves make them insecure. I suppose it's true that I'm calm, at least outwardly. I try to remain centred and calm inwardly too but the constant buzz under my skin keeps me alert and on my toes. That's the thing that allows me to walk into the exam room, smile and bedazzle examinators with my knowledge on the topic.
The exam I did this morning was no exception. Everything felt like routine, even though I don't know my current classmates too well. We're all in the same boat when we wait to go in and chat about the course and it always creates a sense of community whether you mean for it or not. I like it to be honest. It's a good thing for my mind to focus on something else that doesn't require too much brain power but it makes sure I don't dig into the corners of my mind and make myself nervous or insecure.
I walked out with the second highest mark (10 aka. B), which I have to confess that bummed me out a tiny bit. I know it sounds ungrateful but I felt the same way when I walked away with that mark from the exam last week too. It's a very good mark and I should be thankful. Obviously there were reasons that I didn't get the highest mark in both cases. This morning they pointed out some flaws in my written assignment that took away from my great oral presentation and last week I did an exam with someone who wasn't my own teacher and he seemed quite critically and searching for extremely specific answers, which I couldn't deliver all of the time.
It's just... this semester I've been kicking my butt to keep up with the reading and not miss class at all. I know that should always be the case but when life gets busy, I have a tendency to pull away from everything. University stuff included. I've done so well with it this time, perhaps the fact that it was only half a course load helped too. Furthermore, it's been topics I've been comfortable with or even passionate about. It's still a wonderful average for this final semester with the highest mark possible in my bachelor thesis to go along with these two marks but I can't help but feel a bit down about it. Even if I know that it's a stupid thing.
I suppose it's because this is the final exam and I now officially have finished my bachelor's degree. I have a university degree. Just writing that seems surreal. It hasn't quite sunk in yet. Obviously, I'll be starting my Masters this autumn, so it doesn't quite feel "done" so to speak. I am happy though. I'm proud of the overall average for my whole degree (9,05) but it feels slightly insignificant.
My mother actually warned me about this when I first started. When I finished gymnasium four years ago, it was celebrated in style with class parties, family celebration and physical momentums to remember the experience by. This feels empty compared to that time. But the truth is I'm more proud of the work I've done at university, both academically and personally.
I've grown so, so much over the last four years and the experiences I've been through, the friends I've made, the things I've learnt all matter so much to me. This feels slightly like the end of an era, despite knowing I'll come back to university in just a few months. I've never been good at saying goodbye to things and all the original feel of fear and worry for my future are creeping up my skull again. It's mostly those thoughts that threatened to cripple me over a year ago when I came too close to developing stress and my anxiety spiked.
There's still so much uncertainty in my life and it scares me, but a tiny part of me is excited too. Who knows what lays ahead for me? I'll probably run into amazing opportunities I can't even think of right now. Completing my BA gives me a business competence but all the lessons I've learnt through my time at university has expanded my life competence as well.
I feel like I might sound slightly delirious. It might have been the four hour on-and-off nap I took this afternoon after my exam. My body felt like it needed the snooze desperately though, so I didn't have much of a choice but to comply. I'll stop rambling now because this post is turning out too long as it is. I'll write a little introduction and ending later and proof-read these two before and after segments. Hopefully, they'll still make sense in the morning.
Found here - Accurate description of feeling you get as all the information you learnt from the exam evaporates from your memory
It's the following Sunday evening now and it's been a weird past couple of days after I finished the exam on Thursday. I've been looking after the house, dog and little brother while my parents were away but now they've just arrived home. I've been trying to hold it together but now I feel the carefully constructed surface threaten to crack and crumble. It's probably the reality setting in. I bloody finished my degree! Nope, still doesn't feel real.
Mum suggested that we go out to celebrate with dinner tomorrow. Perhaps, it'll start to feel real then. Also she got me a gift for finishing my degree and it's so damn sweet. It's a oil lamp made out of handblown glass in a neon green, which is one of my favourite colours. It's such a thoughtful and specific gift and I'm so happy with the little reminder. My windowsill is crowded as fuck but I love it so much.
I tidied up a little to take the photo, sue me. But look at it! It's so pretty and brightly coloured
And with that final photo, I'll leave this blog post. It's a bit of an emotional overload with a lot of thoughts that I'm not sure if it will make sense to somebody that isn't me. But hopefully I've managed to convey myself fairly eloquently. These types of posts are therapeutic to write but they are also the type of posts that I love to look back at because it's like a little snapshot into my mind. And it's a nice way to mark little milestones. It is important to acknowledge them, even if it feels overwhelming in the moment.
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