Granddad's Golf Clubs | Emotional Rant

I just got really, really upset with my grandmother. The kind of fuming upset that makes me want to get up and wave my hands around and shout as loud as I can. I can still feel the anger cursing through my veins as I didn't allow them the outlet they wished for. I didn't raise my voice with her and I didn't get up and walk away either.

Or at least not right away.
She's buried in her newspaper now, the one she has to hand off to a neighbour by evening time and now she's rushing to get it finished, so I sneaked off to my room to write this. I need to address these emotions and while shouting is one way to go, this is another more sensible one.

I always want to write when emotions run high - it's an amazing way for me to work through whatever is going on. 

By a Girl who Loves to Write aka Me

My grandfather died nearly 9 years ago and just thinking about that makes me tear up. Granted, I'm upset about something that relates to him and just an hour or so ago, we visited his grave. I miss him a lot. My mother was extremely close to him and keeps him alive with her stories and though they often make me tear up, I also know it's a great way to honour him. He would want to live on in our stories.

He also wouldn't want me to shout at my grandmother, the woman he married and loved, so I kept my cool in front of her.

Found on Tumblr - this is honestly how I felt

I'm currently staying with her for a few days as I do every summer and have done since I was a kid, when it was her and my grandfather. She talks a lot, sometimes so much it makes my head buzz.

I love hearing her stories, I really do, even if she's bitchy and complaining quite a lot and can even be racist at times. I try to gentle correct her and explains things without stating obviously how much I disagree with her. I'm patient with explaining to her how to do things with her electronics or explain to her concepts she doesn't seem to properly grasp when she just makes up a fast opinion.

We were talking about her sister and one of her five grandchildren and she mentions how one of them at 26 years old still has not finished 9th grade and gives up on everything he picks up. Then she casually adds how she gave that boy Granddad's golf clubs.

Now... excuse me? How could she give some of his treasured possessions to her sister's grandchild, who gives up on everything? Don't get me wrong, I believe in second chances but how could she so carelessly give his things away?

My mother is very protective of everything that has been her dad's and I think that somehow seeped into me too. I got so angry, beyond angry and even the few snide remarks I failed to hold back didn't really seem to bother my grandmother.

He loved golf and he played it quite a lot, especially when he got older. I'm confident he looked after those exceptionally and loved them. And to have them just handed off to someone, who won't care for them...

Found on Tumblr - I basically did this into my computer by writing this

I have a tendency to get extremely attached to possessions. I won't hesitate to admit it. I love my things and I'm arguably too protective over my things. However, it doesn't mean that I don't use my things relentlessly. I use clothes, shoes, phones and computers until they fall apart from being well-worn/used and loved. I just don't lend and never mind give things away easily.

Mum would probably remind me of the time I agree to give my GameBoy DS to my brother only to reclaim it later and be so upset when he had wiped my Ruby Pokémon game - I'll still claim I never gave him permission to play my games.

Maybe, I got too upset and just writing this has calmed me down but I can't quite get over it. She gave away his things and even though she's probably entitled to it, it just makes me... sad and angry all rolled into one.

I'm coping with her talking about dying as best I can even when it cuts in my heart. She's the only grandparent I have left and she's already talking about planning her 80th birthday next April but then switches to how she may be dead by then. She's healthy and quite active and so capable despite her age. She's growing crazier and more frustrating to speak to with age but I don't want to lose her.

Maybe, this is something everyone goes through with their grandparents but I really don't like it. I don't want to be reminded that she's be gone one day, even if that is the reality.

I should probably give her some more slack, not get upset about possessions, but that's just who I am. I'm sentimental about things. I never replace, exchange or upgrade anything until the thing has completely fallen apart. If I love something, I'm using it for the long haul. I loved Granddad and now memories and his things, who all have memories tied to them, is all that's left. So seeing them given away carelessly is fundamentally upsetting.

I don't know where I was going with this but I just needed to get it out there. I've actually been stumped blogging-wise for a while but this was too easy to write. Why is writing when I'm upset so easy? I doubt much of this ramble made any sense but it did the job - I'm much less upset now, even if I'm not completely over it.