Unmotivated and Doubtful | A Study Break
I honestly wish that headline wasn't my reality right now. I'm struggling to grasp motivation to do anything related to my degree and it's infuriating because I want to be enthusiastic and dive into the notes and books and study for this final exam. I want to be the dedicated student that I know I can be but when I sit down to focus, my mind feels like it shatters instead and it feels forced and unauthentic. So naturally, I thought it might help to take the to keys of my trusted laptop to attempt to sort out my brain.
The working conditions are ideal. I'm left alone in my family's living room, my favourite music coming softly out of the speakers of my computer, I'm warm and comfortable, I've had something to eat and I have water on the table next to me. Things are good. The sun is still up, even if it's grey outside. I had a good night's sleep. Yet I had such a slow start even opening the book and when I did my mind decided to focus on just about everything other than the damned words on the page.
Wait, is this part even relevant? Should I skip over it? Pick a different text? Would it even matter because I've already procrastinated so much that I can't possible make it through all the texts I missed during the semester? I should also reread the texts I chose to focus on, right? That's important and I have to make that short presentation of my synopsis too? But maybe that should wait to the day before? But should do this or that or what?!
What I have written above is approximately how my brain felt when I started reading the book that I picked up. It's the same book that I haven't been able to locate for like a month but thanks for finding it, Dad. I'm not sure if I was better off without it. I think it's pretty evident from the intruding questions filled with doubt that I am at a bit of a loss. I want to study because I want to get a good mark because I haven't been happy with the marks I got for the first two exams of this semester. I want to do better. I truly do but could someone tell my motivation to come back to me? I stare at my carefully-taken notes - so many notes and quite clever observations - and I just feel like scoffing and turning away. My neck starts feeling hot because I can see the clock just ticking down and now I have less than 48 hours before the exam.
The above photo seemed oddly fitting, not only because it's where I'm sat while writing this but also because I hadn't realised that there was a moving box in the corner of the shot until I had already taken it. That box contains most of my clothes, or at least 3/4 of it. I'm moving out soon. I have not called to arrange a pick-up of the keys. Additionally, I have not scheduled service for my scooter before hectic February or called my doctor to have my smear test done by my old doctor before I officially change doctors. So clearly, the procrastination is living well in several aspects of my life. Oh, joy.
And to continue down that road for a moment, I read somewhere recently that procrastination stems from a place of fear and the accuracy hit me like a truck. I think on some level, I already knew that but to have it cemented like that, in just one sentence can be a bit overwhelming. I'm scared of studying because I'm afraid my synopsis isn't good enough and I'll do poorly whether I study or not. I'm scared to have my uterus checked, so I'm hesitant to schedule the appointment. I'm somewhat scared to say goodbye to the life I have in my family house, so I'm worried about calling to arrange a pick up of the key to my new flat. As for the scooter service appointment - well, that one is just a pain in the butt and expensive, so perhaps the saying doesn't always apply.
For studying specifically it's a weird thing this time around because I can scan through the pages of a text and nod and remember how interesting the topic actually is but for whatever reason that doesn't motivate me to read other texts? It should, right? I only studied for less than an hour before I had to take this "study break" to try to sort my brain out. I had a plan to study for at least six hours today and tomorrow but right now I just want to take to Netflix to watch Brooklyn Nine Nine, YouTube to watch jacksepticeye videos or AO3 to read the Klance dance AU I found yesterday. And it scared me that I just want to do leisure things to avoid this. If it was at least something productive like visit my horse or write for my stories, then I would be more inclined to forgive myself. Well, I guess I am writing right now even if it a personal piece rather than a fictional one.
But as always, this has actually cleared my head a bit. I'm a stubborn person when I want to be and perhaps I need to activate that rather than rely on motivation. Maybe I won't be able to retrain as much as I would if I was in the perfect mood for studying, if such a thing even exists, but at least it's better to try learning something rather than just throwing your hands up and stepping away from the books and notes. It's definitely easier to do that and I find myself doing it too often.
It's hard, my brain complains. I don't want to do this. We could do something fun instead. Wait, you could use a snack. We could browse tumblr mindlessly and look at pretty or funny things. You have so many new TV shows you want to start as well or what about all those stories you've tabbed for later? You know you love delving into other universes, especially when yours seem a little difficult. Live a little. Who needs good marks anyway? And you might still do badly even if you do study, so what is the point?
That is yet another example of how my brain processes things at the moment. But it's also a little confused or at least wayward because I am someone who cares about getting good marks, even if I'm struggling with whether to call it "marks" or "grades" as the British and American battles in my brain. I care about it and yeah, I might still do poorly if I study but I can almost guarantee that I'll do poorly if I don't and you have to give things your best shot. I owe it to myself and it's just two more days and then I'll be done.
I can do this, even if my thoughts want to focus on anything else. I need to push the doubt aside and accept the lack of motivation and make up for it with my stubbornness instead. I live such a privileged life and I should not take that for granted. I can't change the synopsis I handed in for this exam but I can prepare myself as much as possible.
The working conditions are ideal. I'm left alone in my family's living room, my favourite music coming softly out of the speakers of my computer, I'm warm and comfortable, I've had something to eat and I have water on the table next to me. Things are good. The sun is still up, even if it's grey outside. I had a good night's sleep. Yet I had such a slow start even opening the book and when I did my mind decided to focus on just about everything other than the damned words on the page.
Wait, is this part even relevant? Should I skip over it? Pick a different text? Would it even matter because I've already procrastinated so much that I can't possible make it through all the texts I missed during the semester? I should also reread the texts I chose to focus on, right? That's important and I have to make that short presentation of my synopsis too? But maybe that should wait to the day before? But should do this or that or what?!
What I have written above is approximately how my brain felt when I started reading the book that I picked up. It's the same book that I haven't been able to locate for like a month but thanks for finding it, Dad. I'm not sure if I was better off without it. I think it's pretty evident from the intruding questions filled with doubt that I am at a bit of a loss. I want to study because I want to get a good mark because I haven't been happy with the marks I got for the first two exams of this semester. I want to do better. I truly do but could someone tell my motivation to come back to me? I stare at my carefully-taken notes - so many notes and quite clever observations - and I just feel like scoffing and turning away. My neck starts feeling hot because I can see the clock just ticking down and now I have less than 48 hours before the exam.
The above photo seemed oddly fitting, not only because it's where I'm sat while writing this but also because I hadn't realised that there was a moving box in the corner of the shot until I had already taken it. That box contains most of my clothes, or at least 3/4 of it. I'm moving out soon. I have not called to arrange a pick-up of the keys. Additionally, I have not scheduled service for my scooter before hectic February or called my doctor to have my smear test done by my old doctor before I officially change doctors. So clearly, the procrastination is living well in several aspects of my life. Oh, joy.
And to continue down that road for a moment, I read somewhere recently that procrastination stems from a place of fear and the accuracy hit me like a truck. I think on some level, I already knew that but to have it cemented like that, in just one sentence can be a bit overwhelming. I'm scared of studying because I'm afraid my synopsis isn't good enough and I'll do poorly whether I study or not. I'm scared to have my uterus checked, so I'm hesitant to schedule the appointment. I'm somewhat scared to say goodbye to the life I have in my family house, so I'm worried about calling to arrange a pick up of the key to my new flat. As for the scooter service appointment - well, that one is just a pain in the butt and expensive, so perhaps the saying doesn't always apply.
For studying specifically it's a weird thing this time around because I can scan through the pages of a text and nod and remember how interesting the topic actually is but for whatever reason that doesn't motivate me to read other texts? It should, right? I only studied for less than an hour before I had to take this "study break" to try to sort my brain out. I had a plan to study for at least six hours today and tomorrow but right now I just want to take to Netflix to watch Brooklyn Nine Nine, YouTube to watch jacksepticeye videos or AO3 to read the Klance dance AU I found yesterday. And it scared me that I just want to do leisure things to avoid this. If it was at least something productive like visit my horse or write for my stories, then I would be more inclined to forgive myself. Well, I guess I am writing right now even if it a personal piece rather than a fictional one.
But as always, this has actually cleared my head a bit. I'm a stubborn person when I want to be and perhaps I need to activate that rather than rely on motivation. Maybe I won't be able to retrain as much as I would if I was in the perfect mood for studying, if such a thing even exists, but at least it's better to try learning something rather than just throwing your hands up and stepping away from the books and notes. It's definitely easier to do that and I find myself doing it too often.
It's hard, my brain complains. I don't want to do this. We could do something fun instead. Wait, you could use a snack. We could browse tumblr mindlessly and look at pretty or funny things. You have so many new TV shows you want to start as well or what about all those stories you've tabbed for later? You know you love delving into other universes, especially when yours seem a little difficult. Live a little. Who needs good marks anyway? And you might still do badly even if you do study, so what is the point?
That is yet another example of how my brain processes things at the moment. But it's also a little confused or at least wayward because I am someone who cares about getting good marks, even if I'm struggling with whether to call it "marks" or "grades" as the British and American battles in my brain. I care about it and yeah, I might still do poorly if I study but I can almost guarantee that I'll do poorly if I don't and you have to give things your best shot. I owe it to myself and it's just two more days and then I'll be done.
I can do this, even if my thoughts want to focus on anything else. I need to push the doubt aside and accept the lack of motivation and make up for it with my stubbornness instead. I live such a privileged life and I should not take that for granted. I can't change the synopsis I handed in for this exam but I can prepare myself as much as possible.
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