Exam Period Finished (kinda)
So... remember that optimistic post I made about the exams being tough but not impossible? Yeah, I didn't manage to finish all four within the timeframe, even if my statement still feels objectively true. It just wasn't happening for me and I slightly hate that I am doing this now. I never used to postpone exams, not even when I had barely gotten up from pneumonia. I don't know if it should be classified as a bad habit or a necessary step to prevent a break down. It was an especially tough schedule this time around and it had not been my best semester to being with.
I did manage to finished three out of the four and I suppose I should be proud of that. The sense of accomplishment has completely escaped me this time around. I just feel like a fraud and a little numb after the whole thing. I feel like I paused so many other things in my life to work diligently on the exams and therefore it feels inexcusable that I didn't finish them all and that they weren't all top-notch. I had tried to talk to myself before the exam period started and "agreed" with myself that 7s across the board in this particular semester would be fine and that I didn't get to be upset if I got that mark. It is the mark for a good presentation but with a fair amount of limitations. Again, objectively I should be completely fine with such a mark either way.
So why does it grate my gears anyway? The frist of the exams that I handed in on the 3rd of December has already been correct and the result been sent back to me. I got a 7, which is fine but it still felt a little flat to see that mark. I should be overjoyed that I've even managed to make it through the majority of the exams after this semester but I don't know how. I've considered trying to fake it but it feels disingenuous. After I finished and was asked if it didn't feel good, I just kept relying that it felt weird. I would tack on good after that adjective but it was half-hearted. I don't feel particularly good about the finished exams and I am anxious for the results of the other two, which we will probably not get before early in the new year, and the fact that I have to write another exam due mid-February.
I know I made some good points in all of the three assignments/essays that I finished and submitted for grading but I feel incapable of seeing the quality of the product as a whole. I feel like I have lost my vision of where they were going. I might have finished even less exams if it hadn't been for heavy encouragement from my mother to get on with working. I'm glad I had her to push me forward when I just kept staring at the blank pages and wondering if anything I could produce would be "good enough" - a standard, for most parts, set by my own high expectations.
I have also been a little distracted in the past week up to handing in, as we drove to Jutland to finally pick up the little new family member in our boxer puppy Robin. I spent a lot of time with her but I also used having to look after the dog as a bit of an excuse as not to start the new exams. So her presence wasn't the main factor in me beating myself up at all. I almost didn't get the third exam in. About 30 hours before the deadline, I had yet to write a single word of the assignment and I had mostly done the visuals. I ended up working for 13 hours and then waking up the morning of the hand-in and putting in another hour and a half to look everything over and make sure the appendixes were in order and accessable. It was a whole lot and I made it but even then I just felt a little apathetic.
I think I will just need to write off this exam period as a bit of a fluke and thank the starts (and Mum) that I made it through with most of the exams done and I'll have another shot at the Creative one in February, which is inconvenient but not impossible. Hah, maybe I should stop saying that word. But in all honesty, I am a little sad that this period is over and I feel so indifferent towards it. My time at university is splitting through my fingers like the finest grains of sand and the pile in my hand is disappearing at an alarming rate. If I was to wager a guess, I would bet that a mental image like that in the back of your head is enough to fuck you up a little when you have to sit down and write an exam.
I should also be able to accept that I won't be able to be good at everything and I won't be able to score the high marks all the time either. I am almost certain that none of the exams I handed in are so bad that I will be failed. I have never properly (*gently tap wood*) failed a university exam before and out of my 36 exams, I have only postponed two and gotten very close to the cut off twice (once with Decision making in Bath and then the dreaded Visenskabsteori where my teacher at the oral exam was less than helpful). It is odd to know that you will be fine but still worry about it. It would be great if you could cue your body into the logical thinking of your brain and use that to reassure it. You can work on that, and I really should look into doing something about that doctor's referral that I haven't touched for the past three weeks.
Looking back with a little more clarity, I think I put myself in a worse situation than I needed to be in. In an attempt to "focus" I cut off things that I enjoy doing - I hardly went to see Money for two weeks and I didn't write anything outside of my assignments. I deprived myself of my fresh air, exercise and bonding with my beloved animal and I almost punished myself by never allowing my creativity to be channeled into writing even though I knew I feel better when I'm using that creative muscle. I thought strict discipline would be the way to go but it just made me miserable. I beat myself up because I didn't feel like what I would be able to create for my exam assignments would be good enough. It's silly when study it in the rear-view mirror but it did make sense at the time. Like I said, I feel like I've lost my ability to establish an overview - over everything evidently.
I do feel like I might finally be coming out of the fog though, even if I am taking baby steps. I'll try not to be so hard on myself over the length of my stride in this process. Christmas is right around the corner and I get to spend it surrounded by my closest loved ones. I have been immensely exhausted, taking naps randomly just to function, but I hope with a little Christmas cheer and heaps of hygge, that fatigue will finally evaporate from my bones. This year has been A Lot but I want to take its final moments to just enjoy time with my family and friends and not worry about the future at least for a little while. My brain could use a break.
I did manage to finished three out of the four and I suppose I should be proud of that. The sense of accomplishment has completely escaped me this time around. I just feel like a fraud and a little numb after the whole thing. I feel like I paused so many other things in my life to work diligently on the exams and therefore it feels inexcusable that I didn't finish them all and that they weren't all top-notch. I had tried to talk to myself before the exam period started and "agreed" with myself that 7s across the board in this particular semester would be fine and that I didn't get to be upset if I got that mark. It is the mark for a good presentation but with a fair amount of limitations. Again, objectively I should be completely fine with such a mark either way.
So why does it grate my gears anyway? The frist of the exams that I handed in on the 3rd of December has already been correct and the result been sent back to me. I got a 7, which is fine but it still felt a little flat to see that mark. I should be overjoyed that I've even managed to make it through the majority of the exams after this semester but I don't know how. I've considered trying to fake it but it feels disingenuous. After I finished and was asked if it didn't feel good, I just kept relying that it felt weird. I would tack on good after that adjective but it was half-hearted. I don't feel particularly good about the finished exams and I am anxious for the results of the other two, which we will probably not get before early in the new year, and the fact that I have to write another exam due mid-February.
I know I made some good points in all of the three assignments/essays that I finished and submitted for grading but I feel incapable of seeing the quality of the product as a whole. I feel like I have lost my vision of where they were going. I might have finished even less exams if it hadn't been for heavy encouragement from my mother to get on with working. I'm glad I had her to push me forward when I just kept staring at the blank pages and wondering if anything I could produce would be "good enough" - a standard, for most parts, set by my own high expectations.
I have also been a little distracted in the past week up to handing in, as we drove to Jutland to finally pick up the little new family member in our boxer puppy Robin. I spent a lot of time with her but I also used having to look after the dog as a bit of an excuse as not to start the new exams. So her presence wasn't the main factor in me beating myself up at all. I almost didn't get the third exam in. About 30 hours before the deadline, I had yet to write a single word of the assignment and I had mostly done the visuals. I ended up working for 13 hours and then waking up the morning of the hand-in and putting in another hour and a half to look everything over and make sure the appendixes were in order and accessable. It was a whole lot and I made it but even then I just felt a little apathetic.
I think I will just need to write off this exam period as a bit of a fluke and thank the starts (and Mum) that I made it through with most of the exams done and I'll have another shot at the Creative one in February, which is inconvenient but not impossible. Hah, maybe I should stop saying that word. But in all honesty, I am a little sad that this period is over and I feel so indifferent towards it. My time at university is splitting through my fingers like the finest grains of sand and the pile in my hand is disappearing at an alarming rate. If I was to wager a guess, I would bet that a mental image like that in the back of your head is enough to fuck you up a little when you have to sit down and write an exam.
I should also be able to accept that I won't be able to be good at everything and I won't be able to score the high marks all the time either. I am almost certain that none of the exams I handed in are so bad that I will be failed. I have never properly (*gently tap wood*) failed a university exam before and out of my 36 exams, I have only postponed two and gotten very close to the cut off twice (once with Decision making in Bath and then the dreaded Visenskabsteori where my teacher at the oral exam was less than helpful). It is odd to know that you will be fine but still worry about it. It would be great if you could cue your body into the logical thinking of your brain and use that to reassure it. You can work on that, and I really should look into doing something about that doctor's referral that I haven't touched for the past three weeks.
Looking back with a little more clarity, I think I put myself in a worse situation than I needed to be in. In an attempt to "focus" I cut off things that I enjoy doing - I hardly went to see Money for two weeks and I didn't write anything outside of my assignments. I deprived myself of my fresh air, exercise and bonding with my beloved animal and I almost punished myself by never allowing my creativity to be channeled into writing even though I knew I feel better when I'm using that creative muscle. I thought strict discipline would be the way to go but it just made me miserable. I beat myself up because I didn't feel like what I would be able to create for my exam assignments would be good enough. It's silly when study it in the rear-view mirror but it did make sense at the time. Like I said, I feel like I've lost my ability to establish an overview - over everything evidently.
I do feel like I might finally be coming out of the fog though, even if I am taking baby steps. I'll try not to be so hard on myself over the length of my stride in this process. Christmas is right around the corner and I get to spend it surrounded by my closest loved ones. I have been immensely exhausted, taking naps randomly just to function, but I hope with a little Christmas cheer and heaps of hygge, that fatigue will finally evaporate from my bones. This year has been A Lot but I want to take its final moments to just enjoy time with my family and friends and not worry about the future at least for a little while. My brain could use a break.
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