Final Bachelor Semester & Having 2 Jobs
I've never really had a plan with my life. When I hear other people talk about what their younger self wanted to be when they grew up, I only draw a blank. I don't have a dream job in mind and thus I'm not sure what the path to a life that I'm happy with, looks like and that terrifies me beyond belief.
I'd say I have a good amount of self esteem instilled in me from a very young age by my parents as well as the ability to be content with who I am. For as long as I can remember, they have always been supportive in whatever endeavours I've attempted. However, everyone experiences self-doubt sometimes and mine is often related to academic or work situations.
I'm now 21 years old, about to finish my 3 year bachelor's degree after finishing two exam and writing my final project (a thesis of sorts) and I also work two jobs alongside it. Other than that I have my horse who I love dearly and really need to get back into dressage training with. I've still not properly "gotten back on the horse" (pun intended) and I want it to become second nature to me again. Other than that, I also attempt to have a social life and keep up with my favourite YouTubers and TV shows.
However, magically, I love this life I've built for myself. I actually like going to university despite my recent doubts. All I've ever known is going to school of some sort and it provides a security for me by its familiarity. I like the subject that I'm studying and I still find the courses fascinating even after 2,5 years.
I like my receptionist job where I most of the time just sit on at the computer browsing Tumblr. I like that I'm the last person on the job and I get to close the place down, of course this sometimes means I'll have to deal with stressful situations all on my own like when guest speakers encounter problems but it's only once in a blue moon. I'm actually sitting at work writing this.
I like my new job as an instructor for the year below me. I get to teach them about the programme I was introduced to a year ago. I aced the exam and felt pretty comfortable in the subject and learned the ins and outs of the programme pretty easily. I like teaching them something, even if it just feels like I'm their classmate and helping them out - I actually really like that. It makes it feel less formal.
I love spending time with my family or going to see my horse. I also love hanging out with friends and I've found a great balance between just hanging out at someone's place as well as being able to go out partying. I love relaxing with a YouTube video or catching up on a TV show.
I was terrified when I started university and had to get to know a whole new class and academic skill level. I was terrified when I started my receptionist job, wondering whether I could sit and greet strangers. I was terrified when I took the instructor job and had to be sort of a teacher for people very possible older than me. Who thought the girl who didn't get a job until she was 19 would suddenly have two? Certainly not me even if this one is on a short term basis.
I guess all this terrified-ness all boils down to the same thing; I don't feel grown up. I like to think of myself as a responsible individual but actually having responsibility? I'm not good at that. I always feel like I don't know enough, or I'm not outgoing enough, or I'm not skilled enough. However, despite these fears, I've come to learn I can do a pretty good job at all those things. I made quick friends in my new class and I get fairly good grades. I've been praised at my receptionist job for my work ethic and perseverance in crisis situations. And at this new job, which I've had less than a month, a whole lot of the students thank me for my help and patience.
What I'm doing here, other than word vomiting all over my blog (it's become my usual style hasn't it?), it writing down this to remember this moment in my life. Never ever would I have thought I'd be going to university and having two jobs, even granted that it only adds up to eight hours a week. I've always been quite lucky (just writing this makes me want to knock on wood - I'd hate to jinx myself. Am I really that superstitious?) and I don't know how I've managed this.
I go to a university that I love with people I get on with so well, I work at a reception where I feel safe and in command if necessary, I work as an instructor getting to teach people something new, I have an amazing, though small, group of friends that I adore, I have an amazing family and pets that I love indescribably and I have time to shut myself off in my room and binge watch YouTube or Netflix.
But... everything is bound to take a dramatic turn soon.
And it just makes me want to crawl into a hole and pretend that time isn't passing. But it will and there's nothing I can do about it.
I have to pass two exams and write a BA project and in June I'll be done with my bachelor. Just the stress of getting a supervisor and choosing a topic is getting to me. Luckily, I've teamed up with one of my classmates, not one from my five man study group as they are also friends that I would go out partying with and thus feel like working with them would be less productive. I'm trying to ignore the anxiety that tries to get a hold of me and see the project for what it is; a big assignment that deserves thought and attention but in the big scheme it's not that important. It should be a fun writing project.
With the end of the school year comes a question of whether to continue on a Master degree straight away, wait a year or not study one at all. By this time my instructor job will be gone (as it's only until those students take the exam in May) and if I don't choose to study I'll also lose my receptionist job as that is only for people, who are studying. See my dilemma? If I don't pick a Masters to start on, I'll be without a university and without a job.
On top of that, I also want/have to move out of my family house. It was actually nice getting to have my own place in Bath and I want a flat to call my own (not literally, I can't afford one but I do want to lease one). When I was young and naïve (laughs at self because this was only a couple of years ago and to be honest I still am), I thought I'd move out when I was 18 and finished gymnasium. I need my own place though, at some point. Though my parents wouldn't kick me out per say, I can't stay with them forever. Only, it's a freaking nightmare to get housing in Copenhagen and I'm too scared to start.
So you see, this life that I've just descripted it'll all change/fall away very, very soon.
I've made it through changes before but my problem with all this, is that it's too many things, too much that'll change at the same time. I don't have a game plan on how to handle it, hell I'm not even sure how to begin on a game plan - therein lies my problem.
Even with my procrastination issues, I can get shit done (I promise). But only if I know how to approach it. If I don't know where to start, I won't start at all. On top of that, if there's too many things that need to get done at once I'll feel overwhelmed and not be able to single out the tasks, which needs to be done in order to complete them.
If I'm motivated and enthusiastic, I really like working on something. I'm so much of a perfectionist that I might get a bit stuck on the details but without an outline I can follow, I get lost and lose motivation.
I'm terrified (that seems to be the theme word of this blog post) and I know I'll be forced into making decisions sooner or later. I just don't know how to approach anything right now. I'll have to because no matter how much I wish for it, I don't have the ability to pause time to stay in this life that I like oh so very much.
I'll try to remind myself to come back to this issue when I'm in the situation in a few months (shivers went down my spine, that's no time at all!!). I'm sure I'll have a lot more to rant about on this topic. After all, as the tagline I considered for this blog was "just a girl trying to find her place in the world". I didn't go for it though because even I think that's too cheesy and overused. I'll report back with any progress, promise.
I'd say I have a good amount of self esteem instilled in me from a very young age by my parents as well as the ability to be content with who I am. For as long as I can remember, they have always been supportive in whatever endeavours I've attempted. However, everyone experiences self-doubt sometimes and mine is often related to academic or work situations.
I'm now 21 years old, about to finish my 3 year bachelor's degree after finishing two exam and writing my final project (a thesis of sorts) and I also work two jobs alongside it. Other than that I have my horse who I love dearly and really need to get back into dressage training with. I've still not properly "gotten back on the horse" (pun intended) and I want it to become second nature to me again. Other than that, I also attempt to have a social life and keep up with my favourite YouTubers and TV shows.
However, magically, I love this life I've built for myself. I actually like going to university despite my recent doubts. All I've ever known is going to school of some sort and it provides a security for me by its familiarity. I like the subject that I'm studying and I still find the courses fascinating even after 2,5 years.
I like my receptionist job where I most of the time just sit on at the computer browsing Tumblr. I like that I'm the last person on the job and I get to close the place down, of course this sometimes means I'll have to deal with stressful situations all on my own like when guest speakers encounter problems but it's only once in a blue moon. I'm actually sitting at work writing this.
I like my new job as an instructor for the year below me. I get to teach them about the programme I was introduced to a year ago. I aced the exam and felt pretty comfortable in the subject and learned the ins and outs of the programme pretty easily. I like teaching them something, even if it just feels like I'm their classmate and helping them out - I actually really like that. It makes it feel less formal.
I love spending time with my family or going to see my horse. I also love hanging out with friends and I've found a great balance between just hanging out at someone's place as well as being able to go out partying. I love relaxing with a YouTube video or catching up on a TV show.
I was terrified when I started university and had to get to know a whole new class and academic skill level. I was terrified when I started my receptionist job, wondering whether I could sit and greet strangers. I was terrified when I took the instructor job and had to be sort of a teacher for people very possible older than me. Who thought the girl who didn't get a job until she was 19 would suddenly have two? Certainly not me even if this one is on a short term basis.
I guess all this terrified-ness all boils down to the same thing; I don't feel grown up. I like to think of myself as a responsible individual but actually having responsibility? I'm not good at that. I always feel like I don't know enough, or I'm not outgoing enough, or I'm not skilled enough. However, despite these fears, I've come to learn I can do a pretty good job at all those things. I made quick friends in my new class and I get fairly good grades. I've been praised at my receptionist job for my work ethic and perseverance in crisis situations. And at this new job, which I've had less than a month, a whole lot of the students thank me for my help and patience.
What I'm doing here, other than word vomiting all over my blog (it's become my usual style hasn't it?), it writing down this to remember this moment in my life. Never ever would I have thought I'd be going to university and having two jobs, even granted that it only adds up to eight hours a week. I've always been quite lucky (just writing this makes me want to knock on wood - I'd hate to jinx myself. Am I really that superstitious?) and I don't know how I've managed this.
I go to a university that I love with people I get on with so well, I work at a reception where I feel safe and in command if necessary, I work as an instructor getting to teach people something new, I have an amazing, though small, group of friends that I adore, I have an amazing family and pets that I love indescribably and I have time to shut myself off in my room and binge watch YouTube or Netflix.
But... everything is bound to take a dramatic turn soon.
Image found on Google
And it just makes me want to crawl into a hole and pretend that time isn't passing. But it will and there's nothing I can do about it.
I have to pass two exams and write a BA project and in June I'll be done with my bachelor. Just the stress of getting a supervisor and choosing a topic is getting to me. Luckily, I've teamed up with one of my classmates, not one from my five man study group as they are also friends that I would go out partying with and thus feel like working with them would be less productive. I'm trying to ignore the anxiety that tries to get a hold of me and see the project for what it is; a big assignment that deserves thought and attention but in the big scheme it's not that important. It should be a fun writing project.
With the end of the school year comes a question of whether to continue on a Master degree straight away, wait a year or not study one at all. By this time my instructor job will be gone (as it's only until those students take the exam in May) and if I don't choose to study I'll also lose my receptionist job as that is only for people, who are studying. See my dilemma? If I don't pick a Masters to start on, I'll be without a university and without a job.
On top of that, I also want/have to move out of my family house. It was actually nice getting to have my own place in Bath and I want a flat to call my own (not literally, I can't afford one but I do want to lease one). When I was young and naïve (laughs at self because this was only a couple of years ago and to be honest I still am), I thought I'd move out when I was 18 and finished gymnasium. I need my own place though, at some point. Though my parents wouldn't kick me out per say, I can't stay with them forever. Only, it's a freaking nightmare to get housing in Copenhagen and I'm too scared to start.
So you see, this life that I've just descripted it'll all change/fall away very, very soon.
I've made it through changes before but my problem with all this, is that it's too many things, too much that'll change at the same time. I don't have a game plan on how to handle it, hell I'm not even sure how to begin on a game plan - therein lies my problem.
Even with my procrastination issues, I can get shit done (I promise). But only if I know how to approach it. If I don't know where to start, I won't start at all. On top of that, if there's too many things that need to get done at once I'll feel overwhelmed and not be able to single out the tasks, which needs to be done in order to complete them.
If I'm motivated and enthusiastic, I really like working on something. I'm so much of a perfectionist that I might get a bit stuck on the details but without an outline I can follow, I get lost and lose motivation.
I'm terrified (that seems to be the theme word of this blog post) and I know I'll be forced into making decisions sooner or later. I just don't know how to approach anything right now. I'll have to because no matter how much I wish for it, I don't have the ability to pause time to stay in this life that I like oh so very much.
I'll try to remind myself to come back to this issue when I'm in the situation in a few months (shivers went down my spine, that's no time at all!!). I'm sure I'll have a lot more to rant about on this topic. After all, as the tagline I considered for this blog was "just a girl trying to find her place in the world". I didn't go for it though because even I think that's too cheesy and overused. I'll report back with any progress, promise.
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