E-mail Requesting My Horse to Move | Emotional Rant
I'm legit shaking right now and I feel with just a little push I'll start crying. It's quite ridiculous really but I can't help it. I've talked about change on here quite a few times and my battle with it. Inherently most people are scared of change or at the very least apprehensive. I feel I might just be that tiny bit more against it than most though because after receiving an e-mail requesting that my horse is relocated from the place she's been for over 7 years I feel a bit petrified.
I like my things to remain the same when they work. The whole "don't fix it if it ain't broken" thing works for me. Also I become so emotional attached to places. It's something I discussed briefly for the period I was in therapy but I depend on familiar places as much as people to feel safe. It might be some subconscious thing about me not really feeling at ease with permanently moving out of my childhood home.
My horse arrived at our current stables over 7 years ago after having been one place for the first two years that I had her. She had been in her very first spot for more than a year and a half and was moved to a second and objectively better one for a few months before we moved. Even that change was hard from me because I was used to her being in a specific spot and it didn't matter to me that that particular stable got really hot in the summer. Moving her was odd and wrong and taking the leap to move to an entirely different stable was difficult as heck.
But our current stables was a much better place with so much better facilities with only the family's own horses and boarders and they didn't have school horses. She got put into a space that I really liked and she remained there for a month or two. We got the promise that we wouldn't have to move her because I was still a bit hesitant and scarred from moving her around at our previous stable. Then the girl they employed to watch over the horses wanted that specific spot back for her horse, which had to come back from summer grazing.
It took a lot of convincing but Mum got me to agree to adhere to their wishes and instead we got the pick from the spots they had their own horses in. I picked the old foaling box, not because of the size, though that was a nice bonus even if Money isn't particularly big, but because it's on the floor level I like and it was right in front of some cross ties and only two spots down from where she used to be. We were promised that we didn't have to move her again.
Granted, I suspect they didn't know that I would be keeping her for this damn long. It's quite common for riders to exchange their ponies for horses when they get too old to compete with their ponies. I never did that but then again Money did accidentally grow just those few centimetres too tall and got herself classified as a horse. She's been stood in the old foaling box since the autumn of 2009.
Just half an hour ago I got an e-mail, quite dramatically called a "big plea" though I'm translating because the e-mail was in Danish. The owner's youngest daughter just got a new horse, who broke his pelvis a couple of years ago and thus would not fare well to do a sharp turn to exit the box every day. There a cluster of six boxes in the main stable in one corner and they have a rather slim hall between them. This is where there's a free spot for this new horse but because of his past injury he can't really go there.
So... (I'm sure it's quite obvious where I'm going with this) they've asked if Money could go into that spot instead and the new horse could have the place she's been stood for over SEVEN years. Christ, I'm actually tearing up writing this. I'm so damn sentimental and I feel fucking attached to four walls on a specific spot. It might be pathetic but it's true.
They promised that she wouldn't have to move again. They were informed of how much I hated it back when they made me do it the first time around and she'd only been in that spot for hardly two months! This place has been "hers" for years. I know objectively it's their damn stables and I'm only renting a spot and it's not like you can actually "claim" spots but they promised...
I see their logic and maybe that's why it's tearing at me. They mention how Money is an easy and happy pony - officially a horse but whatever - and I know she's in a spot technically too spacious for someone of her size and they need a spot for the new horse that accommodates his condition but I just don't want to agree. I know Money would probably be fine moving, though I have no doubts that she'd miss her spacious "one-bedroom" as we often call it.
We've made so many routines and I'm (almost) always stood with her just outside of her space and I just pull away the cross ties and lets her walk right in. We've made so many memories on that specific spot and she's got a window where she can look out and I know she enjoys doing that, especially in the summer when it's open.
I want to say no. I want to refuse to move her. I'm scared that if I do, they'll just force me to. I've been part of the stables for so long and the community out there but they're the owners and I'm sure they can actually do what they want. Maybe it's just a curtesy e-mail. If I don't agree and they somehow don't force the move anyway, it'll create so much tension and I don't want that either.
At the same time, I can't see myself turning right when I enter the stables instead of left. They say her potential new neighbours are nice, at least the gelding and if the mare is kicking up a fuss, they'd set up a plate. I don't want her to be closed in even more. It's a middle spot already quite boarded off. It's not a favourable switch for us. And she would have to make that steep turn every single day, though I know technically it wouldn't be a problem.
The other horses seem fine so I'm just overreacting but all this just sends my mind out in a head-spin. I feel like I can't breathe properly, my eyes are teary and I'm sniffling. I'm being dramatic and "extra" but... I don't know. I don't know how to explain why it feels like the content of that e-mail sent tentacles out and they are currently clutching at my heart with all their might.
I want to talk about it with Mum but she's watching something right now. She said it only lasted an hour though and with how much typing I'm doing hopefully she'll be available to talk once I finish. I'm not sure how I could finish this emotional rant. Who thought I'd actually bring a segment back? I didn't really stick to the whole segment thing that I had planned a while back but I'm sort of glad I didn't - this blog needs to be a space to just pour my feelings into, like how I'm currently doing.
I'm all too aware this seem like an overreaction but you don't get to control how you feel. I don't want to look at the word count of this ramble because it's steadily climbing and it's scaring me a bit. If this ever makes it into an actual post then I hopefully manage to get some photos stuck in between to create breaks in the text because all these big, compact paragraphs seem overwhelming.
It's been such a long day today. I left the house with Mum just past 7 AM and I finally made it home just past 8 PM after a long day of studying, socialising and work. Being away from home for this long does not sit well with me. It also means that I couldn't go see Money and right now all I want is to walk up to her, where she stands in the place that's been her home for so many years, and bury my nose in her mane and wrap my arms around her neck.
She'd probably not appreciate it for more than a moment and then undoubtedly try to move back to nudge my hands for treats. She neighs loudly whenever she just hears the fall of my steps and I know it's a learnt behaviour but it's learnt because we always bring her something nice. I'm having a very hard time imagining her neigh coming from a different place.
I still don't know what to do in regards to a reply to that dreaded e-mail. I kind of hoped that I would reach a decision by writing all this though. Maybe I was secretly hoping that I'd actually grow up and realise that it's kind of odd to be so attached to a spot. What am I? Sheldon Cooper? But I just feel even more decided in my initial response. I want to refuse the request.
I need to talk this over with my Mum. She knows me extremely well and she knows this innate fear and dread I have about moving out of the familiar and away from spots that have become "mine". This reminds me of an element from my communications book about territoriality. We have a personal bubble that's ever-changing and always with us. We also feel attached to places that are ours, like our homes but further than that we also develop attachment to things that aren't strictly ours but we begin to view them as such. The normal examples of this would be a specific seat in class or in my case it seem the place where my horse rests her head.
It sounded like Mum's programme ended. I might as well go bring up the topic. There's more than a 50% chance that I'll start crying. We'll see...
I was right. I started crying, tears running down my cheeks on their own accord. I always cry when I get angry and/or overwhelmed. It's so bloody counterproductive. Mum was very pragmatic about the whole thing and flat out refused just like I did internally. She'd got more objectively sound reasons for it rather than crying at the loss of familiarity. Firstly, what they offer as a new space for Money is a big step down and they are going back on the promise they made all those years ago.
I'm still quite shaken about the whole thing. I don't want a reoccurring conflict the place that's supposed to be my place of refuge. We'll see what happens.
I like my things to remain the same when they work. The whole "don't fix it if it ain't broken" thing works for me. Also I become so emotional attached to places. It's something I discussed briefly for the period I was in therapy but I depend on familiar places as much as people to feel safe. It might be some subconscious thing about me not really feeling at ease with permanently moving out of my childhood home.
My horse arrived at our current stables over 7 years ago after having been one place for the first two years that I had her. She had been in her very first spot for more than a year and a half and was moved to a second and objectively better one for a few months before we moved. Even that change was hard from me because I was used to her being in a specific spot and it didn't matter to me that that particular stable got really hot in the summer. Moving her was odd and wrong and taking the leap to move to an entirely different stable was difficult as heck.
But our current stables was a much better place with so much better facilities with only the family's own horses and boarders and they didn't have school horses. She got put into a space that I really liked and she remained there for a month or two. We got the promise that we wouldn't have to move her because I was still a bit hesitant and scarred from moving her around at our previous stable. Then the girl they employed to watch over the horses wanted that specific spot back for her horse, which had to come back from summer grazing.
It took a lot of convincing but Mum got me to agree to adhere to their wishes and instead we got the pick from the spots they had their own horses in. I picked the old foaling box, not because of the size, though that was a nice bonus even if Money isn't particularly big, but because it's on the floor level I like and it was right in front of some cross ties and only two spots down from where she used to be. We were promised that we didn't have to move her again.
Granted, I suspect they didn't know that I would be keeping her for this damn long. It's quite common for riders to exchange their ponies for horses when they get too old to compete with their ponies. I never did that but then again Money did accidentally grow just those few centimetres too tall and got herself classified as a horse. She's been stood in the old foaling box since the autumn of 2009.
Just half an hour ago I got an e-mail, quite dramatically called a "big plea" though I'm translating because the e-mail was in Danish. The owner's youngest daughter just got a new horse, who broke his pelvis a couple of years ago and thus would not fare well to do a sharp turn to exit the box every day. There a cluster of six boxes in the main stable in one corner and they have a rather slim hall between them. This is where there's a free spot for this new horse but because of his past injury he can't really go there.
So... (I'm sure it's quite obvious where I'm going with this) they've asked if Money could go into that spot instead and the new horse could have the place she's been stood for over SEVEN years. Christ, I'm actually tearing up writing this. I'm so damn sentimental and I feel fucking attached to four walls on a specific spot. It might be pathetic but it's true.
They promised that she wouldn't have to move again. They were informed of how much I hated it back when they made me do it the first time around and she'd only been in that spot for hardly two months! This place has been "hers" for years. I know objectively it's their damn stables and I'm only renting a spot and it's not like you can actually "claim" spots but they promised...
I see their logic and maybe that's why it's tearing at me. They mention how Money is an easy and happy pony - officially a horse but whatever - and I know she's in a spot technically too spacious for someone of her size and they need a spot for the new horse that accommodates his condition but I just don't want to agree. I know Money would probably be fine moving, though I have no doubts that she'd miss her spacious "one-bedroom" as we often call it.
We've made so many routines and I'm (almost) always stood with her just outside of her space and I just pull away the cross ties and lets her walk right in. We've made so many memories on that specific spot and she's got a window where she can look out and I know she enjoys doing that, especially in the summer when it's open.
I want to say no. I want to refuse to move her. I'm scared that if I do, they'll just force me to. I've been part of the stables for so long and the community out there but they're the owners and I'm sure they can actually do what they want. Maybe it's just a curtesy e-mail. If I don't agree and they somehow don't force the move anyway, it'll create so much tension and I don't want that either.
At the same time, I can't see myself turning right when I enter the stables instead of left. They say her potential new neighbours are nice, at least the gelding and if the mare is kicking up a fuss, they'd set up a plate. I don't want her to be closed in even more. It's a middle spot already quite boarded off. It's not a favourable switch for us. And she would have to make that steep turn every single day, though I know technically it wouldn't be a problem.
The other horses seem fine so I'm just overreacting but all this just sends my mind out in a head-spin. I feel like I can't breathe properly, my eyes are teary and I'm sniffling. I'm being dramatic and "extra" but... I don't know. I don't know how to explain why it feels like the content of that e-mail sent tentacles out and they are currently clutching at my heart with all their might.
I want to talk about it with Mum but she's watching something right now. She said it only lasted an hour though and with how much typing I'm doing hopefully she'll be available to talk once I finish. I'm not sure how I could finish this emotional rant. Who thought I'd actually bring a segment back? I didn't really stick to the whole segment thing that I had planned a while back but I'm sort of glad I didn't - this blog needs to be a space to just pour my feelings into, like how I'm currently doing.
I'm all too aware this seem like an overreaction but you don't get to control how you feel. I don't want to look at the word count of this ramble because it's steadily climbing and it's scaring me a bit. If this ever makes it into an actual post then I hopefully manage to get some photos stuck in between to create breaks in the text because all these big, compact paragraphs seem overwhelming.
It's been such a long day today. I left the house with Mum just past 7 AM and I finally made it home just past 8 PM after a long day of studying, socialising and work. Being away from home for this long does not sit well with me. It also means that I couldn't go see Money and right now all I want is to walk up to her, where she stands in the place that's been her home for so many years, and bury my nose in her mane and wrap my arms around her neck.
She'd probably not appreciate it for more than a moment and then undoubtedly try to move back to nudge my hands for treats. She neighs loudly whenever she just hears the fall of my steps and I know it's a learnt behaviour but it's learnt because we always bring her something nice. I'm having a very hard time imagining her neigh coming from a different place.
I still don't know what to do in regards to a reply to that dreaded e-mail. I kind of hoped that I would reach a decision by writing all this though. Maybe I was secretly hoping that I'd actually grow up and realise that it's kind of odd to be so attached to a spot. What am I? Sheldon Cooper? But I just feel even more decided in my initial response. I want to refuse the request.
I need to talk this over with my Mum. She knows me extremely well and she knows this innate fear and dread I have about moving out of the familiar and away from spots that have become "mine". This reminds me of an element from my communications book about territoriality. We have a personal bubble that's ever-changing and always with us. We also feel attached to places that are ours, like our homes but further than that we also develop attachment to things that aren't strictly ours but we begin to view them as such. The normal examples of this would be a specific seat in class or in my case it seem the place where my horse rests her head.
It sounded like Mum's programme ended. I might as well go bring up the topic. There's more than a 50% chance that I'll start crying. We'll see...
I was right. I started crying, tears running down my cheeks on their own accord. I always cry when I get angry and/or overwhelmed. It's so bloody counterproductive. Mum was very pragmatic about the whole thing and flat out refused just like I did internally. She'd got more objectively sound reasons for it rather than crying at the loss of familiarity. Firstly, what they offer as a new space for Money is a big step down and they are going back on the promise they made all those years ago.
I'm still quite shaken about the whole thing. I don't want a reoccurring conflict the place that's supposed to be my place of refuge. We'll see what happens.
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