Downward Spiral & Confining Myself to My Bed
Ouch, that's one heck of a depressing title. However, I feel like it's something I need to write about because for the past three days I've been feeling like shit. Mostly, it's been in my head but my body always physically reacts if my mind is not okay. So, I've been poorly for a couple of days and not left my bed for anything other than going to the bathroom or fetching food and water. I got my head into a negative cycle that just kept weighing me down heavier and heavier.
I don't feel entirely comfortable writing this but I need to push forward and try to explain myself, mostly for it to make sense inside of my head, which is struggling with getting a proper grasp of the turmoil going on inside of me. Life overwhelms me at times and all I want to do it tell it to piss off and snuggle up under my duvet with a book (physical, online, doesn't matter). That was exactly what I did for these past days. I've read so many Avenger and DareDevil fanfics on my phone that you wouldn't believe me.
I woke up early Tuesday morning and I got out of bed but I just felt down and wrong and tired. I had trouble going to sleep the night before, probably because I spent the majority of my Monday just lounging around and not really leaving my bed. I purposely had a chilled Monday but honestly, I think I made it a tiny bit too chilled. I felt so overwhelmed over the prospect of going into my student job that I just couldn't bear it.
I've made hints before about the fact that I'm still struggling to find my place there and whether the work I'm doing is actually good or I'm failing miserably. The annoying ache crept up my scalp from the moment I opened my eyes, pounding in my ears making me believe I wouldn't be able to focus on anything. I listened and promptly told Dad, who'd offered me a ride to work, and headed back to bed. Realistically, I probably wouldn't actually have been able to focus (my student job requires a lot of my concentration as I find it difficult as heck) but I'm still sad that I feel into the temptation of cancelling everything.
Especially because it somehow dragged into the two following days as well, where I was supposed to be at my student job as well. I couldn't even drag my ass out of bed to go see my horse, despite having cars at my disposal. I just felt so goddamn drained and my head kept hurting every time I swung my legs out of bed. I felt guiltier about letting my horse down than my colleagues. I called in sick, so that wasn't the problem but it was just an overwhelming feeling of "I don't want to go". I want everything around me to stop and go away for a while.
It's bloody ridiculous because I'm so lucky and privileged to even have the job and yet I'm whining about it being difficult. This self-awareness just makes it even that much harder because I'm pouring more negative feelings into myself. I almost have to force myself to go. It's a wonderful opportunity and in theory, it's the perfect job for me where I can manage my own hours and I work on a programme fairly unsupervised, but I'm still struggling so much.
Today, I got out of bed around 10 AM. I stripped my sheets and threw them in the washer. I spent a couple of hours lounging on the sofa, watching YouTube and browsing Tumblr, before getting dressed, walking my dog and heading off to my receptionist job. I've never felt so "hopeless" going to work for this job, but it's a lot less demanding and I don't actually have to use that much brain power to do it. I don't find myself with a constantly bubbling feeling under my skin that what I'm doing isn't good enough.
I've never seen myself as someone scared of high expectations, in fact I set them for myself all the time. However, I think it's because it's not coming naturally to me (like a lot of things do) and the fact that I don't have very much guidance while doing it that results in me struggling. I'm not used to second-guessing myself so much and honestly, it's quite terrifying.
That being said I'm feeling more optimistic. I shouldn't have let the headache confine me to my bed for so long. One day would have been acceptable but three was simply not okay. I know for a fact I can physically give myself a headache if I try, so who's to say my mind didn't do that subconsciously? I just need to be more open and communicate better at my student job. I have to not be so scared of speaking up when I'm struggling with an assignment, because they've been nothing but kind, understanding and helpful. Even if the mere thought makes me winch internally.
Found here - I love Tangled and I felt a bit like this, except I used my duvet not my hair
I don't feel entirely comfortable writing this but I need to push forward and try to explain myself, mostly for it to make sense inside of my head, which is struggling with getting a proper grasp of the turmoil going on inside of me. Life overwhelms me at times and all I want to do it tell it to piss off and snuggle up under my duvet with a book (physical, online, doesn't matter). That was exactly what I did for these past days. I've read so many Avenger and DareDevil fanfics on my phone that you wouldn't believe me.
I woke up early Tuesday morning and I got out of bed but I just felt down and wrong and tired. I had trouble going to sleep the night before, probably because I spent the majority of my Monday just lounging around and not really leaving my bed. I purposely had a chilled Monday but honestly, I think I made it a tiny bit too chilled. I felt so overwhelmed over the prospect of going into my student job that I just couldn't bear it.
I've made hints before about the fact that I'm still struggling to find my place there and whether the work I'm doing is actually good or I'm failing miserably. The annoying ache crept up my scalp from the moment I opened my eyes, pounding in my ears making me believe I wouldn't be able to focus on anything. I listened and promptly told Dad, who'd offered me a ride to work, and headed back to bed. Realistically, I probably wouldn't actually have been able to focus (my student job requires a lot of my concentration as I find it difficult as heck) but I'm still sad that I feel into the temptation of cancelling everything.
Especially because it somehow dragged into the two following days as well, where I was supposed to be at my student job as well. I couldn't even drag my ass out of bed to go see my horse, despite having cars at my disposal. I just felt so goddamn drained and my head kept hurting every time I swung my legs out of bed. I felt guiltier about letting my horse down than my colleagues. I called in sick, so that wasn't the problem but it was just an overwhelming feeling of "I don't want to go". I want everything around me to stop and go away for a while.
Found here - This image was how I felt like, now it's more humming Rasmus Seebach's song Okay
It's bloody ridiculous because I'm so lucky and privileged to even have the job and yet I'm whining about it being difficult. This self-awareness just makes it even that much harder because I'm pouring more negative feelings into myself. I almost have to force myself to go. It's a wonderful opportunity and in theory, it's the perfect job for me where I can manage my own hours and I work on a programme fairly unsupervised, but I'm still struggling so much.
Today, I got out of bed around 10 AM. I stripped my sheets and threw them in the washer. I spent a couple of hours lounging on the sofa, watching YouTube and browsing Tumblr, before getting dressed, walking my dog and heading off to my receptionist job. I've never felt so "hopeless" going to work for this job, but it's a lot less demanding and I don't actually have to use that much brain power to do it. I don't find myself with a constantly bubbling feeling under my skin that what I'm doing isn't good enough.
I've never seen myself as someone scared of high expectations, in fact I set them for myself all the time. However, I think it's because it's not coming naturally to me (like a lot of things do) and the fact that I don't have very much guidance while doing it that results in me struggling. I'm not used to second-guessing myself so much and honestly, it's quite terrifying.
That being said I'm feeling more optimistic. I shouldn't have let the headache confine me to my bed for so long. One day would have been acceptable but three was simply not okay. I know for a fact I can physically give myself a headache if I try, so who's to say my mind didn't do that subconsciously? I just need to be more open and communicate better at my student job. I have to not be so scared of speaking up when I'm struggling with an assignment, because they've been nothing but kind, understanding and helpful. Even if the mere thought makes me winch internally.
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